Not THAT Girl...THIS Girl

Today is my baby's birthday

2012-01-30T06:00:00.000-05:00

Sweet 16. Although I suppose that description is reserved for girls turning 16.

Sixteen. I remember telling My Man we were expecting #3, 5 years after #2. I headed out the door to get into the car. I was running over to have a pregnancy test since my home test was negative in the morning but when I walked by the trash can after work, it was flashing blue positive. So after a call to the doc, who said, "come on by now cuz your old" *not really, but I was 34, and 35 is "you are officially a high-risk mommy."* I remember the man standing in the garden weeding with a spade. He asked me where I was going and I replied, "off to see Doc R for a pregnancy test." It was the first he had heard of it. Not so surprisingly, he had no reply. When I returned from the doc, 40 minutes later, he was still weeding with the spade. In the same row. He looked up when I bounced toward the door, "well?" he said. "Positive!" said I. I should preface by saying we had discussed actually having a discussion about #3 and, in my mind, it was then a done deal.

And it was.

The Wild Boy was an easy pregnancy. I had little of the troubles I had with the first two. I don't think we even made a single midnight pre-term labor hospital run with him, after about 12 with My Girl. He was born one day before my 35th birthday.

Brett's birthday brings to mind tons of memories. BFF, Beth was working on the maternity ward back in those days. And she was sooooo excited about Wild Boy's impending birth. She had the staff there on notice that we would be coming in at anytime and we were to get The Special Treatment. Did we ever. We had the corner labor and delivery room, aka The Bowling Alley. It was huge. It looked over the helipad. When I finally got to my room, I was the only one on the wing and they put me in the room farthest away from the nursery which was on the other wing. No sense opening up an entire nursery for my little 6 pounder. They could have placed me closer to the working nursery, but I was getting The Special Treatment. The nurses were told I was a third time mommy and if I needed anything... would ask. Otherwise...I was on vaca so leave me alone. It. Was. Heaven. I know that they regretted my room location right away as The Wild Boy arrived hollering and didn't stop hollering the entire time he was in the hospital. He was never satisfied and they were dragging him back and forth to me every two hours to eat. They said they tried everything. Believe me, so did we when we got him home. He continued hollering non-stop for the next three years. The only time he wasn't hollering was when he was eating.

Lots of memories of that day and those first days. But I'll spare you the rest, today. My just shy of 7 pounds chunky baby has grown into a 6'3" Wild Boy. He was definitely Momma's Boy; the only one I was home full-time with. He denies it with the typical teenage boy flippancy, but he is still Momma's Boy and I pray always will be.

All of our children are compassionate and sensitive, but he is much more so. And tries to hide it with his tough guy, smart-aleck exterior. But a Momma knows.

Thankful for you, Brett. Blessed beyond measure to be your Momma, and Sarah's, and Shawn's.

Love y'all.

How much proof before you believe?

2012-01-24T16:39:00.000-05:00

If I haven't run y'all off yet...this will surely do it.

*not that I'm trying to run you off*

I have a confession to make:

I am an unbeliever.

Feels good to finally get that out.

I am writing this at 6:00 pm on Monday, January 23. There are some things going on in our family right now that I'll share eventually, but I can share the one thing going on with me. Tomorrow, at 2:00 I have my annual mammogram, which I haven't had for two years. Taking care of everyone else sort of took priority over taking care of myself. I'm not complaining about that. I don't regret that. One day, I will share the blessing that is "taking care of everyone else." And it is a blessing.

As a rule, I get worked up about this particular exam. I won't go into details but I'm usually a "see you back in six months for a re-check" kind of girl. I know going in that I will have the heavy duty "exam" and it will be followed up with a sonogram. That's been SOP *standard operating procedure for you non-military brats* for years. When I made tomorrow's appointment, the receptionist kind of freaked out when she pulled up my records. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME BACK FOR A SIX-MONTH RECHECK IN TWO-THOUSAND-TEN!!!!!!"

*which in turn had everyone in the place turn to look at us, thankyouverymuch*

I just smiled and said, "really? cuz I could have sworn the last time I was in (whenever that was) I was good for a year." I knew a couple of things she didn't know:

I couldn't even tell her when my last appointment was. The last two years have been a blur (see above to know that is a blur of blessing);
my God doesn't go by "six-month rechecks" or as several of my friends immediately stated, "six months or two years...it doesn't really matter to Him;" and
it is what it is.

Oh, and there is a number 4. Remember my last post about the color Green? God doesn't just speak to me/confirm for me through the color Green. He also uses scripture and music. In particular the verses, "Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God almighty" and one song in particular, "Be Unto Your Name." It's just the way He blesses me beyond measure when I need it.

And I have been needing it. Because I have been freaking out the last week over some things going on in our life and especially since the radiology receptionist hollered at me about my six-month recheck that was due back in 2010. *exclamation point*

This past Sunday, Pastor Wayne's sermon scripture was this: Isaiah 6:3. The same service, Cheryl chose songs that caught my attention (as in, "God...is that You speaking to me, Susan?") and then slammed me with the last song...you guessed it, "Be Unto Your Name." Poor Kim sitting next to me. I kept the sobbing to a minimum, but she knows me so well...her hand rested on my shoulder for the next 15 minutes just to let me know she was there and that she gets it.

This week, He constantly reminded me of all of the times He has allowed me a glimpse into a situation, aka discernment; aka "trusting my gut"; aka "Susan's Spidey-sense." He even reminded me that He has never been unfaithful.

Ever. When He has allowed me some discernment into a situation, it has always proven to be true.

Always.

It will be the same tomorrow. *Or, today, actually, when I post this.

How much proof do I need to overcome my unbelief?

I'm still struggling with it as I type this. Even reading and re-reading this post; remembering every single thing He has done this last week to assure me that it is All Good.

I know what the problem is. I am listening to my physical world of the the last two years and not the spiritual world I have lived in my entire life, although I didn't seriously embrace it until December 10, 1986. Twenty-five years of consciously living as one of His...as a believer. And I'm responding to the last two years only.

How much proof do I need to overcome my unbelief?

We will get confirmations tomorrow (Tuesday...or today, actually when I'm posting this) that it is All Good. And not that I believe that God wants us to make deals with Him, but there will be some consequences for my unbelief.

I will definitely be posting about those. *not that that is part of our Deal or anything...ahem*

Love y'all.

*****updated before I post on Tuesday afternoon at 4:30 something. It is All Good. And yup..."see ya back in six-months!****

What's your Sign?

2012-01-21T14:10:00.000-05:00

Shhh...don't tell anyone. I'm really supposed to be cleaning. I really should be cleaning. I really will be cleaning. But I knew I had to write this real quick post first.

Do you and God have a sign? Doesn't have to be a physical sign. Like mine is. When you are praying and talking to God and you need a confirmation; an "I Am here...I Am with you" from Him...what is it? A scripture that He pops into your mind, seemingly "out of the blue?" A worship song that you suddenly can't stop singing? A memory or a picture that floods your heart?

Or am I the only one?

One day, years ago, I was in the sanctuary at our church. Since I work at our church, I can go in there anytime to think, pray, cry, sing, play the piano, whatever I need. I do not remember the exact crisis, but it was a crisis. I know I was verbally calling out to God, laying out my petition, praying and praising Him. And I got nothing back. I finally said to Him, "please...can't you just give me Your answer in a bright green, flashing neon sign?"

No, I did not get my answer in a bright green flashing neon sign. But I did get the color green. If you know our sanctuary interior, you know there is a lot of blue and a lot of beige. Even in the stained glass window, there is not a whole lot of green.

The sanctuary was flooded in green. Almost like a fog. It was one of those, "am I really awake or am I half-asleep" kind of hazy experiences.

Even the stained glass was mostly green colors.

Since then, I love the color green. Which is hilarious because I have been an life-long green hater. Except for the fact that my eyes are green...you would never have caught me dead wearing green. On St. Patty's day I would lie and say my green was hidden under my outer layer of clothing (I know you catch my oh-so-subtle drift.)

But green it is.

This morning has been a quiet morning. As in...I've been quiet; reflective; nostalgic (thanks Annette for that buzz word this morning.) As I sat in the truck while Russell slid around the dumpster emptying a few bags of trash from my in-laws garage, I looked out toward the playground next to our church. Smack dab in the middle of a patch of snow-covered brown grass and limbs was a bright spot of green. My heart was flooded with gratefulness. I wasn't looking for Him. But He wanted me to know He was there, just the same.

Green. It's all Good.

Thanks for taking a moment to read the fastest post I've ever written! Couldn't wait to get it out to y'all. Ask Him for a sign. He loves to show Himself to us.

Love y'all.

Lots in the works.

2012-01-19T13:59:00.001-05:00

I will be blogging next week, for sure. Waiting for a few things to play out. But it is going to be Good. He has assured me it is so.

If you see me, and I'm by myself and my lips are moving and I'm totally unaware of your presence, it is because He has firmly planted this in my thoughts, my heart, on my lips:

Holy. Holy. Holy. IS the Lord God, Almighty.
Who Was. And Is. And Is to come.

Love y'all.

What day is it, anyway?

2012-01-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

Seriously, it is hard to remember when all the days seem to run into each other as one big NCIS-watching-box-unpacking-marathon.

So here's the deal. The last couple of days have been really hard. I vacillate between silence, rage, sobs, and need-to-kill. My poor husband has certainly been the recipient of all these emotions this week. He is incredible. He's still speaking to me. He is the least deserving target but is truly the only one that can take it. I've apologized more to that man in the last month than the entire span of our marriage (date of which was September 10, 1983...don't try to do the math...I was a child bride.)

So, I finally put into perspective what is driving this psychotic emotional roller coaster. I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I want to get back to some semblance of normal (I know, I know, I know...that word...normal.) I want to be able to laugh and joke and smile and do things and be happy and joyful and to stop crying and to stop raging and to stop aching and...just be me.

But I keep stopping myself from doing that, being that, because it feels wrong. Oh I totally hear Andy saying to me, "Doo-Doo...seriously? Get on with it." But I just haven't been able to let myself do it yet.

Which has caused, I'm guessing, all of this all-over-the-place emotional stuff. Last night, after serving a crowd of hungry youth at DNow, a couple of my sweet friends chatted with me about all of this. I think I'm also struggling with just wanting to stop being the girl that everything keeps happening to and go back to being me. It's hard to separate from all of that stuff. When life around me is chatty and happy and celebratory, I'm thinking...it was like that before Andy; before Katie; before Beth. I suppose it is a form of self-pity. And I hate that. I'm not that girl anymore; I don't want to be that girl anymore.

Yesterday, when I was really struggling, I clicked on my iTunes and cranked it up to my Worship play list..."Mom's Worship." *original, I know* First song up? At Your Feet by Casting Crowns. Lord have mercy, if you don't know that song, you need to know that song.

And I remembered... "Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." (John 6:24). "...knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7). “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.” (Isaiah 6:3.)

I need to lay it all at His feet. Verbally, physically, spiritually.

So I've been trying to do that today. I don't know how my baby sister is going to get through this. But I'm going to have to be strong in order to help her.

I've resented having to be the strong one. Please forgive me, Lord, for that. You put me here at such a time as this to be the strong one. I can do it. I have been doing it for the last 3 years. I can continue doing it...here at your feet.

Love y'all. Thanks for loving me back.

What About Me?

2012-01-11T09:09:00.001-05:00

***Update...had a great day. Spent some time listening to Travis sing some of my all-time favorite worship songs...Be Unto Your Name; Mercy Seat; Praise to the Lord, the Almighty; Jesus Saves; In Christ Alone. Music speaks to me. He speaks to me through music. I did a bunch of laundry. I emptied three boxes and boxed up my Christmas dishes. Shawn and I worked on our Christmas break puzzle...as in opened the box and started working on it today. Shawn made an awesome dinner. Russell came home from a quick trip to JFK. ~~We made a Baskin-Robbins run.~~ And now My Man and I are watching last night's NCIS. *Shhhh...Sarah Wolfe, don't spoil it!* Tomorrow I need to pop into the office for a bit and push some paper, work on the announcements and then I will come home and help Shawn finish packing. He heads back to Farmville Friday after we go to lunch for Thai food. Anyway, just wanted y'all to not worry. I'm clawing my way back out of the pit...with some Help.***

As a former, "it is ALL about me" girl who has spent the last 20 years trying to make it not about her, I really fought against writing this post.

However, the entire point of writing is to express who I am. And this is who I am right now:

lost
overwhelmed
angry
sad
weary

Those are the first five words that popped into my head. Here are the next five:

blessed
blessed
blessed
blessed
blessed

Seriously. I could not think of another word. I find this hilarious. Especially when a good friend had just texted me: "friend that sounds like depression."

I know depression. I know she is right. But I hadn't said it out loud.
Yet.

But she just threw it out there like it was nothing.

Denial is a wonderful world to live in.

It is true that I have not taken good care of myself. I'm two years past a physical and all that entails at my age. I haven't been eating well, drinking well and certainly not exercising regularly anymore. My sleep is whack. My quiet time is still pretty much me sitting here staring into space.

So. What about me?
What is my responsibility toward taking care of myself?

I could quote a bunch of scripture, but we are all pretty familiar with them. Honestly, God does talk about us taking care of ourselves. Especially in order to worship Him properly and take care of those around me. I want to do both. I need to do both.

So, I'm taking a few days to chill. I need to help Shawn get ready for this semester. Which might, or might not be his last semester. He can graduate this Spring with his Liberal Arts degree and finish up his minor, Outdoor Education, after the summer session, but won't have his teaching certs. Although he can get them after graduating. We've left the decision up to him. However, I do want to help him get packed up, get his Winter gear washed up, etc. He heads back to Longwood in two days.

And while I've said I've wanted to get back to real life, eating well, exercising, pumping up my spiritual life again...I haven't really committed to it nor done anything serious about it. I've been pretty content in my cushy little pit; have it all decorated nice and cozy-like; and I've just wanted to be left alone.

So again, I ask for some prayer from y'all, my three dedicated readers. For me this time.

Love you guys. Thankful for you on this Journey.

Retreat Post #1.

2012-01-06T06:00:00.000-05:00

Keep forgetting to mention that my 2012 word is Focus. Oh how this made me LOL and say to God, "really? Are You sure?" Cuz seriously. Although one year, let me think when...oh yes, it was during a marriage seminar thingy and we each had to go around and say one word to describe our spouse. My word for my husband was "selfless." I said it with such piety. And I turned to him to hear his wonderful, humble word for me: "focused." What the heck? FOCUSED? That might as well have been DRIVEN; or...or...or...NAGGING...or...PERSISTENT; or UNRELENTING...you get the point. Focused. Really? After that we never went back. Seriously. We didn't. But not because of the word "focused." *it was the weekend after this changing point in our marriage that Beth collapsed in her bathroom and the marriage seminar just was not the important thing happening in our lives*

Where was I...oh yes. Focus.

It's really not what you think. It's not so much "focus on the important things" or "you really need to focus at work" although I do need to do both of these things after 2011. No...it really means "turn your focus to Me."

Because my focus has definitely not been on God.

It has been on me; my woes; my troubles; my issues; my weight; my eating habits; my family; my grief; my family's grief; my my my...me me me.

Funny how turning my focus on Him takes all the focus off of me and my. That has always been a problem of mine. Focusing on me and how everything else, everyone else impacts me. That is a huge part of the life of That Girl. The selfish one. The self-absorbed one. Not to say I still don't turn the focus on me. Clearly. That has been a problem lately. *see the first sentence of the first paragraph of this post*

Anyhoo, today was definitely a "turn inward and focus on me" day. I was angry; hurt; in pain; did I mention angry? When I feel this way, and really allow myself to wallow in it...danger, danger, danger.

Difference now? I recognize the path to danger. While my head was splitting from a migraine, and I struggled with some serious anger, I started cleaning. My go to comfort fix these days. I threw out tons of stuff, dumped my junk drawer on the counter and ditched 3/4 of it, vacuumed, dusted, etc. I should have been at Small Group. Trust me...they were better off without me this morning. But My Girl did shame me into keeping our scheduled pedi appointment and that was the best decision I made today. Sure...I griped and complained the entire 2 mile drive there and she clucked and nodded and sympathized with me and then we got there and settled into the vibrating chairs that nearly knocked us into the foot bath, and it was good. All good. Exactly what I needed. We laughed; we cried; we sat and reflected. And we got the same nail color on our toes.

Focus. I think I'm going to like this word. With all of its meanings.

Love you guys.

My Choice.

2012-01-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

As our world continues to spin out of control, we have two choices...give in and crash and burn, or pick ourselves back up and keep going.

There was a time, during the life of That Girl, where the choice was always the former. But now, now I find, after the initial shock, anger, sadness, whatever...I pick myself up and keep going and the rest of the family does, too.

I have yet to blog about my mini-retreat yesterday (January 3). I was up before 5 am and I knew the afternoon would be a brutal trial of trying to stay awake, so I settled into my living room with a big steaming cup of Christmas Blend, a new journal (a one subject spiral bound, college rule notebook with a dark green cover), a couple of purple pens and my Stormie Omartian The Power of a Praying Woman bible (I haven't used it since October, apparently, because I found a tithing check from October tucked in there). I also gave a copy of this bible to bff, Beth and always pull it out when I feel girlie. Check it out here.

I really didn't have much of a plan for my retreat. I had hoped to just get a refilling of the emptiness I've been feeling; that emptiness that is left after the life is sucked right out of you from grieving (yourself) and attempting (and often failing) to be strong for everyone else. It's what the mom does. I wouldn't change that part; I'm not complaining about that part; it is what it is.

Five minutes into my retreat I knew, without a doubt, the following: *you knew there would be bullets...admit it*

I had forsaken my God. He had definitely not forsaken me.
Psalm 139, the entire chapter, is my scripture for 2012. I need to and will become very familiar with Psalm 139 this year, in many translations.
I will not give into evil and evil will not defeat me. Even *especially* the evil that is in human form. And there is plenty of it in my life.

After 14 pages of notes and a diagram (I'm a visual person) I thought I was ready for the year 2012. I mean, I am ready for the year 2012. Even with the hit we are taking this week of losing Andy's dog, Hurley Boo James. Initially reeling from the shock of it, I now see it for what it is...Andy misses Hurley; Hurley misses Andy. They belong together. It was all part of The Plan, as painful as it is.

I expect that I will be blogging, over the coming weeks, some of the notes from my retreat. I'll let you know how it's all going.

As always, I covet your prayers for my family and I am praying for you.

Love you guys. See y'all soon.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T06:00:00.000-05:00

I really didn't think I'd have a moment to blog before the New Year, but here I am. I thought a blog in bullet format was in order, so here we go:

Home alone. Me. Home. Alone. At 6:30pm on New Year's Eve. Oh, they will be back. Sooner than later. But for now...it's just me, Her Evil Highness and LJG. Oh, and cheese and crackers and a glass of good Chianti for dinner. *hey, it's New Year's Eve...cheese and crackers and Chianti are perfect*
I am mentally and physically Done. Kaput. Zapped. Over It. Russell's dad is officially moved in. Next week for a few days Russell, Shawn and I will be cleaning his house in Dumfries and Saturday it goes on the market.
For a change, I drew a line in the sand and pronounced that we, the five of us, are taking a break today and tomorrow. The kids can play, do whatever, but there will be no packing; no moving; no running back and forth to Prince William County; nor even back and forth to Greensprings, as far as I'm concerned. We need a break to just hang out.
I immediately followed this hang out and chill directive with the following: I, personally, am going to take the tree down, and retake possession of my home. Cleaning and baking and laundry in MY OWN HOME FOR MY OWN FAMILY. Woo-hoo! I can hardly wait! The rest of 'em can determine what stand down and chill means to them, but I am sooooooo looking forward to this! I am practically giddy!
On Tuesday, January 2, I am taking a break from even all of them (love them though I do!) and I am going on a mini-retreat. Just me, God, my bible, my journal (I think a brand-spankin'-new-one), some brand new purple pens that fit wonderfully in my hand, and my iPod. I'm not taking my phone so don't call or text. I'm not taking my computer. I believe that there will be mass quantities of coffee consumed and only one person will know where I am...my husband *in case of emergency*
Surprisingly enough, I am going to miss the tree in the living room. It brings warmth *oh! guess what?! the gas log people sent us the wrong part for the gas fireplace. I was not the least bit surprised because it is, after all, 2011. If we had waited until 2012...they would have sent the correct piece. I'm convinced* (not really, but I like to think it might be true)
Back to the Christmas Tree...it was not our prettiest; nor our fullest; nor our smelliest. However, I am going to miss it all the same. I can't explain it. I just feel it.
I saw on Mama Beth's blog, LPM, that she was asking us to provide three words to describe 2011. Interestingly enough, I had already been thinking on several words to describe 2011. I kept coming back to these three:

Pain
Joy
Redemption

I think pain needs no explanation for my three committed readers.
The second word, Joy, may be a tad surprising; even to me. I have chosen to find the Joy every where I can; every time I can. I think the pain has done that to me. I have to escape the pain at times and go straight to Joy. Deep, warm, all-consuming Joy.
Redemption. Ahhhhh...to be redeemed. Have I ever mentioned that I love words? I love typing them, writing them and looking up their "official" definition(s). And this word, redeem, is a whopper of a word. According to www.M-W.com: 1a : to buy back : repurchase b : to get or win back; 2: to free from what distresses or harms: as a : to free from captivity by payment of ransom b : to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental c : to release from blame or debt : clear d : to free from the consequences of sin; 3: to change for the better : reform; 4: repair, restore;...5a :... c : to make good : fulfill 6a : to atone for : expiate <redeem an error> b (1) : to offset the bad effect of (2) : to make worthwhile : retrieve.
See? Whopper. Applies so many stinkin' ways to me...I can't even begin to go into it all. But I will. On Tuesday. During my retreat. I'll probably share some of it. Or not. Don't know yet. In any case, y'all be safe this New Year's Eve. I love you guys.

The end of the year.

2011-12-29T08:58:00.004-05:00

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

The year 2011 has been a wicked year for our family on both sides. I'm anxious for it to end; to step over the line into 2012 (I'm picturing a thick chalk line on the sidewalk and I'll take a big step over so I don't step on the chalk and smear 2011 into 2012). I wish, in some ways, that we could erase the blotchy black spots of 2011; as if they never happened. Yet, those black spots, more so than the happy pink and yellow balloon days, have made us who we are today. My Girl has "Jeremiah 29:11" tattooed on her upper back along the edges of a beautiful floral design. It is her favorite verse. It is a verse I have clung to this year. The Message version of Jeremiah 29:11 is even more comforting to me: "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

"I know what I'm doing." I can't tell you the number of times I have said, "Why, Lord? Why?" Only He knows. For now.

My sweet friend, Susan, just texted me a great idea. She suggested I go out and purchase a new article of clothing that only I can see and know about as a sign of the New Me for 2012. I immediately suggested a Diamond Tennis Bracelet would be more to my desires, but I liked the idea. And I'm going to do it.

Beginning today, we will start packing up my father-in-law's life into boxes, move it in trucks to a new home and help him start over. My heart and gut ache at the thought for him. It is more difficult for him to step over the chalk mark of 2011 into 2012. He won't be able to do it without a smear mark. Much more so than I, he will be unable to leave any part of 2011 behind. Whereas I am able to see and cherish the yellows and pinks and moments of joy of 2011, he clings only to the black; the sadness and pain. If you think of it, could you toss up a prayer for him that he is able to find some joy and peace and comfort in 2012?

You probably won't hear much from me until well into the first week of January. The next three days will be busy (my husband brought me back a Venti instead of a Grande...even he recognizes I need the extra energy today!) I am taking a day next week for my mini-retreat. I expect I'll be blogging about that sometime soon.

Happy New Year...love you guys! And so does the One who has it all planned out.

No Resolutions...??

2011-12-27T17:19:00.002-05:00

Do y'all have any revolutions/resolutions in the works? Have you even thought about it yet? Please share. My blog comments area is very lonely. The only way I know y'all are actually reading is if you comment. I've shared a few of my revolutions...now it's your turn. I'll give you some ideas: weight loss? exercise? daily vitamin and supplements? determined to be kinder, gentler (that is my bro-in-law...the New Kinder, Gentler Al Odenthal)? give more to charity? simplify?

Let's hear it.

Love you guys!

The One in Which I have Nothing Witty to Say.

2011-12-27T08:24:00.000-05:00

I felt the need to post a blog, even though I have nothing to say.

Once a mother, always a mother. I made My Girl promise she would come straight home after working a double shift yesterday. She has been stressed and sad, like the rest of us this Christmas, but she has been working double shifts, having to put on a happy and cheery face every day (bigger tips that way.). *The rest of us have been able to be grumbly and sad because we don't get no stinkin' tips* By Christmas evening, she was a wreck. *I crashed hard last night so I couldn't tell you if she actually did come straight home after work, but while I was up prowling the house after midnight, she was home*
Thanks to the many Starbucks cards I received this Holiday Season, my Gold Card is filled to the brim for a couple month's supply of liquid caffeine. The gift that keeps me going and going and going.
*As I'm typing this, My Man is at Starbucks securing a grande bold, no room coffee for me*\
This week is pack and move week. The packers arrive in Dumfries on Friday and pack up my father-in-law's home. Saturday we move him into Greensprings in Springfield. Russell, Shawn and I were in Dumfries with him yesterday finalizing the layout of his new apartment and packing up tools. We hit a glitch and we prepared ourselves for him to dig his heels in and refuse to move. It wasn't quite as bad as we expected, thankfully. We totally understand how difficult this is for him. He can't see that we are hurting too, and that we have had to completely shut down our emotions and feelings while doing this. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to do this ourselves. Like most evenings after being there with him, we come home, sit in silence and attempt to make sense of it all.
I also have a ton of work to do for my paying job at the church. I will pop into the office today for a bit, but will not go to Dumfries with the boys so that I can work on the church calendar from home. Entering every calendar item into a Publisher driven Calendar, and then separately adding each of those items to PW's and my Outlook calendars and this year I have created a Google Calendar that will link to the church website and each calendar item has to be entered to that, also. Three (four, actually) separate calendars to keep up with for each calendar item is ridiculous. But it is how we are doing it. That's my job this week. Actually, that's my job today, Wednesday and Thursday as I'm off Friday and Saturday packing and moving.
Her Evil Highness received an Angry Birds toy for Christmas. We have had to hide it from her. She is obsessed with it. It is two Angry Birds on a string attached to a pole. If we don't hide it from her, she runs through the house with the birds in her mouth catching the string and pole around and through everything. Not only is it loud and annoying, it's also loud and annoying.
I think I fulfilled the promise of the this blog post title...nothing witty to be found here. Thanks for making it this far!

Love you guys. See y'all soon.

Happy Christmas!

2011-12-26T08:38:00.002-05:00

Thank you so much for all of your prayers, calls, text messages and love. We have been blessed by all of you. As expected, this has been a hard time for our family, but we will continue moving forward. What other choice do we have?

This is going to be a wicked week for Russell and I. We are trying to give our boys some down time, but we are also packing up Alvin on Friday and moving him into Greensprings on Saturday. There is so much to do! Sarah is working double shifts all week, so she is out of the packing/cleaning/moving loop. I know that she would much rather be helping us. She feels guilty, which is ridiculous, but I love that her first concern is for her family.

In addition, I need to get the church calendar all up to date and also entered into our new google calendar, accessible through our website.

I have to admit I really want to take the tree down today and put away all of the decorations for two reasons: 1) I just never felt it this year. Don't get me wrong...I never took my eyes off of Jesus this Christmas Season, but the whole merriment and decorating, etc..just didn't have it in me like I usually do. 2) The next two weeks are going to be so busy and crazy I'm not sure when I'll get to it if I don't do it today. However, my husband convinced me to wait a couple of days. He is eyeing the weather to determine the "warmest" day of this week and he and the boys will take the Griswoldesque exterior illumination down and I will most likely take advantage of the attic man-power and take the tree down and put all of the decorations away that same day.

I'm ready for 2012. It's not that January 1 will be a magic day where everything will be better, but there will be a mental deep exhale at turning over that calendar page from 2011, our "Annus horribilis" to a New Year.

Our Christmas morning was very quiet and subdued. We all slept in, relatively speaking. The first child didn't make an appearance until 7:30 and that was My Girl who had a migraine and was very tender and weepy. We roused the boys and dug in to our stockings and gifts. There were smiles and laughs and chattiness, but our Christmas Morning Free-For-All was missing. And that is okay. We continued our time together with cinnamon buns and quiche and the boys hit the ground running to meet Alvin at Parkwood Baptist for church. Sarah went back to bed to successfully beat down her migraine.I attempted to corral the paper and boxes and gifts in the living room and start pulling Christmas Dinner together. William and Travis joined us and, honestly, it was a wonderful distraction to have five big kids "helping" set the table, bring food in, pour drinks, etc. It was just what this momma's heart needed...the laughing and joking and teasing and joy.

Sarah was sad that she had to work, but she and Travis headed out and Russell took his dad home while I cleaned up (I'm seeing a theme for my Christmas Day...I did a lot of cleaning up!) We pulled off our traditional Christmas Day movie theater trip, dragging Carolyn and George, Beth Bryan's parents, along with us, along with Stephen and Emery, to see Sherlock Holmes. Two thumbs up from everyone. Great movie. Kept me totally entertained from opening to closing credits. We tried to sneak into Delia's, but Sarah stopped us at the door...they were busy, she was stressed and she hugged and kissed each of us and sent us on our way! It actually worked out perfectly...we all came back to our house for leftovers. It was a wonderful way to end the day.

I'm taking today off...whatever that means. Most likely giving my kitchen a good wipe down from the tons of baking and cooking we have done. I need to pull together my mini-retreat materials...one day over this next week, I will take to myself and sit down for an extended quiet time to pray and plan out goals and visions for 2012. Not sure where I will go yet, but I will definitely leave the house to do it or I will be distracted by all I need to be doing at home!

Hugs and blessings to each of you today! Love you guys.

Merry Christmas Eve.

2011-12-24T16:04:00.001-05:00

Somehow, I counted incorrectly and ended up with five extra tins of Cinnamon Buns. What. A. Shame. I have hidden them. THEY ARE ALL MINE. I wrapped early this morning and finished up before my first cup of (cold) coffee was gone.And I was so consumed with making 30 6 batches of them that I neglected to take even one picture, Droid or otherwise.

I was so tired from baking and wrapping yesterday that by the time I started texting with my baby sister last night, we were both just beside ourselves. Please, please keep our family in your prayers this Christmas...our family and all families that have lost a child. The pain is beyond description. I would never wish this agony on anyone. We are praying for all of you that we know have lost a child. I can honestly say that we haven't even really begun to grieve the loss of our beloved Katie. I know it will hit tonight. During the singing of Silent Night. I'll be Home for Christmas has been a song I have had to turn off every time it has come on this season. So many are not coming home. It just crushes my heart.

On a happier note, *if you have made it this far in my post today* the last week has seen our home filled with boys. Big boys and little boys (Nate Doran came by all spiffed up a bit ago to help deliver a present and to hang onto Jack as Jack dragged him all over our main level). Grace Doran came by, too, but she is terrified of Jack (all dogs, actually) so they did not stay long. But we have had a lot of big, noisy, hungry, thirsty *did I mention loud* boys in our house and I have loved it. Sarah and I are always the only girls. Unless Harlee pops in. Which reminds me, shout out to Harlee and Brett for stringing all of the candy canes for the Christmas Trees at church.

Tomorrow morning we will open stockings (my favorite part) and presents, drink coffee and eat Bacon and Swiss quiche and Sausage and Cheese quiche (which have yet to be made, by the way, but did I mention ALL MY WRAPPING IS DONE?), and warm cinnamon buns. The rest of the family is going to church with Granddad and I am going to cook. We're having our main meal at noon tomorrow because we have a Christmas Day tradition Beth Bryan and I started years ago...movie on Christmas Day. Seriously, our kids were little when we started doing this and we joked that the only thing open was the movie theater and the only people there were Jewish or Muslim. Honest. Now...it's a zoo at the movies on Christmas Day, but we continue to go. We are going to see Sherlock Holmes and then we will hit Delia's, where Sarah will be working tomorrow, 4-close, for appetizers and pizza and dessert.

I have a pic of it somewhere, and when I find it I will share, but Chloella's favorite new toy is the empty wrapping paper tube. She carries them around, chews on them, stalks and pounces on them, freaks out over them if they move. She really is a fun kitty. But an Evil Kitty. I hope to get even with her later tonight and put the Rudolf antlers hat on her and take pictures. Cuz I'm evil like that.

Merry Christmas. Hug and smooch on your loved ones.

Christmas Eve Friday Photos.

2011-12-24T11:12:00.002-05:00

Shawn's Fab Chili

Best Jam Ever. Thanks, Mom!

Christmas PJ Day

Honey Pecan Crispix Mix. Oh. My.

My Living Room

Let the Wrapping Begin!

Sleeping Evilness

Small Group Girlz...minus Kristy.

Nothing is sacred, not even decorating the tree. Hi Trav!

The Smiths love Spongebob

Spongebob everywhere

No glass ornaments but still lovely.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

New Year Revolution #3.

2011-12-23T06:00:00.000-05:00

Get back to God.

There was a time when every morning I would get up early, grab a cup of coffee and start the day with quiet time, prayer, bible study homework, and journaling. In the summer, my favorite place to do this is the dining room or, if it's not too hot and humid, the back porch. In the winter, I love the living room with the fire place going. *as an aside, our fire place has been down all season so far and I am very bitter about it...part is "on order."*

I am a book freak. I love everything about books: their weight, the texture of the paper, the way they can be spread out all around me, the opportunity to highlight and underline. So far, I have not be interested in nor tempted by Kindles or Nooks and have told My Man I have no desire for anything like them. *he sees them as an opportunity for me to get rid of some of these books...ain't happening.*

Somewhere over the last year, I have lost my desire for this time I have set aside for years. I do think it began when bff, Beth became sick. When she passed away, I think I was just so shocked by it all that I didn't know what to say, or pray or journal about. When I look back at my journals *which are to be burned upon my passing* I see half-empty pages; short sentences; obvious tear drop ripples in the paper. I picked myself up, though, and eventually got back to it.

Please don't misunderstand me. I did not and have not turned away from God.

Having said that, however, I must be honest and share with you that I haven't had a whole lot to say to Him this year. At least not on paper or on my knees during my designated quiet time. However, I have never felt His presence so closely as I have this year. Maybe that is why I haven't felt the need to journal every thought. He is so present in my life that I don't need to. I realized recently that if I am not verbalizing a thought, I am praying it. If I'm not writing it down, it is a meditation or a chant in my head; in my heart. As I drive, as I work, as I crochet, as I sit silently, I am offering up, very often, short arrow prayers straight and to the point.

I have felt the nudge, His nudge, the last month or so, to get back to it. January 9, our bible study group is beginning this study. I love me some Beth Moore. I never knew bible study could be so cool, until I started following Beth. And this study? Oh, this study came out just in time. If you think that God doesn't have every single detail of your life planned out...look at mine. This last year has been such a time of pain and tragedy and trial in my life and for my family. If you are not familiar with the Book of James, read how James begins *following a one verse introduction* " ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." NIV.

Now tell me that God didn't plan the perfect timing for the release of this new bible study by my favorite teacher.

"Consider it pure joy..."

I believe I shall.

Love you guys. Merry Christmas!

Just wanted y'all to know...

2011-12-22T06:00:00.000-05:00

It has really been difficult for me to not be a total downer day after day on This Girl. Writing this blog, like journaling, is a way to pour out what I'm really thinking and feeling and quite often, it is some pretty dark stuff. I want to keep it real for y'all. I realized today I need to share some good stuff with you so here we go: *y'all know I love me some bullets*

I love love love Christmas. I start listening to Christmas music in October, much to the dismay of bff, Teri. Really, though, when you think about it...it's still only three months out of twelve. *I will admit that by the time December 26 rolls around, I am done with Christmas music* Every year I want to drag out all of my Christmas bins (and there are many) and decorate, decorate, decorate. Usually, something *life* gets in the way and I end up decorating a bit and saying, "next year." This phenomenon, also known as HerEyesAreWayBiggerThanHerTimeScheduleAndHerADD, occurred this year. *and most likely will next year since I'm on a 28 year roll*
I have The Best Kids Ever. Shawn *aka The Big Boy* has always been extremely gregarious, never known to hesitate to step onto the stage, whatever it may be, and although he looks remarkably like my father, he is his father's clone in personality. He has the most beautiful sherry brown eyes. He also has very little patience with his mother. Word on the street is his mother can, and recently has, taken him down.
Sarah, *aka My Girl* is still furious with me that she ended up only 5'7 1/2" tall. On a good day. While her oldest brother topped out around 6" and her baby brother is around 6'3" and still growing, I concede that, as a volleyball player, and an outside hitter at that, she has every reason to be livid. I must brag a little and share that she was still an All District outside hitter each year on Varsity. Short Girl Can Jump. And Hit. And Block. (P.S. don't tell her I told you but she can also play the drums.)
Brett *aka The Wild Boy* was our most funny kid. He started spewing words around 12 months, and didn't shut up until he hit age 13 and has only said, and I've counted them, 15 words since. Thirteen of those words have been to His Girl, Harlee. Second to Harlee is his love of football. The playing of football. More particularly, the hitting of football. Sadly, he is a wide receiver, although he would go defense in a heart beat.
I love driving our truck. It's a Dodge Ram. Dual exhaust. And..."it's a Hemi." So far *knock on wood* I've not received a ticket while driving said truck. Any day now, I expect.
I received my OCD (or, as the letters should properly be listed...CDO) directly from my mother. She is and always has been a perfectionist. As was her father before her. I like to think I am keeping the family legacy alive and well. Surprisingly, the Smith genes totally overrode any and all tendency of OCDness in my children, except for a minute trace found occasionally in my oldest. The Odenthal genes, however, were apparently much weaker and could not crush the much stronger OCD behavior found in our boy, Andy and definitely his baby sister, Minz. Court definitely has the OCD thing happening, too, but like her Aunt Doo-Doo (me...another time I'll explain), she successfully wrangles it into submission quite regularly. I spent the first 40 years of my life fighting my OCD and the next 10 years trying to control it. This last year...I've embraced it. I think my world is a whole lot better now because I have. *at least my linen closets and cabinets are a whole lot better now*
For all that I complain about Her Evil Highness aka Chloella, aka Chloe, aka Fox Bait, I truly do lover her. She is extremely affectionate. She keeps my feet warm, and my back and my face and the top of my head, all night long. She definitely rules the house. Tux and Jack bow to her every wish and whim. She hates Brett, but then they all have. I think they can all sense he is the youngest and thus low man on the food chain.

That's it for now. I just want to assure y'all that I know how blessed I am. I am thankful. I am okay.

Love you guys. Merry Christmas!

What is normal?

2011-12-20T06:39:00.002-05:00

Definition of NORMAL, according to Merriam-Webster: 2 a : according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern; 3: occurring naturally; 4 a : of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development b : free from mental disorder : sane.

I've been thinking it is time for me to "get back to normal" after a really crappy two years. I think that has been part of my whole "it's a revolution, not a resolution" thing for 2012. But I have a confession to make: I don't remember what "normal" looks like.

Normal might be sleeping through the night and waking up to an alarm clock. Or normal could be sleeping on and off; tossing and turning; waking up long before hearing any alarm and saying, "what the heck...might as well get up...it's almost 5:00 anyway."

Normal might be having a basic cleaning schedule that one follows during the week thus keeping one's home fairly picked up and wiped down at any given time. Or normal could be obsessing about getting each bathroom spotless, several days a week, or pulling everything out of the linen closet to reorganize. Again. All while the dust bunnies take over in the living room and the rest of the house.

Normal might be having a comfy and decorated living room with a warm area rug underfoot lit by the soft glow of a cozy gas fireplace. Or normal could be a multi-teenage bottom plop spot with kitty claw marks, a beloved grandmother's chair with the stuffing coming out of the bottom, cold hard wood floors underneath, gas log fireplace guts spewed out on the floor, but shiny new trucks and Jeeps sitting in the driveway. (This one's for you, honey.) *I'm trying not to be too bitter*

Normal might be sitting down to eat, most evenings, at a candle-lit dining room table, using the regular dinner china or even the "good china" on occasion. Or normal could be tv trays set up in the living room, eating off of paper plates while watching NCIS. Every night.

Normal might be a dedicated quiet time, prayer time, journal writing time every morning, while waiting for the beginnings of a fiery glow to appear through the back door, announcing the sun is indeed going to rise again thus assuring the promise that is a new day. Or normal could be sitting in Mamie's chair, staring at a blank journal page, opening and closing a devotional and a bible, jumping up and down to refill a coffee mug and switch out the laundry and finally just closing it all up and walking away.

Normal might be a young girl, engaged to an exceptional young man, planning her wedding; day dreaming of the day she will run her own household and have children. Or normal could be the unlikely appearance of an Angel announcing the imminent arrival of the Savior of the World, to a virgin and her betrothed.

My point is...normal is just a word that we cling to when our world has been turned upside down. We've tossed around the phrase "new normal" for several years now, beginning with the loss of bff, Beth. I don't use that term very much anymore. It's not "normal," new or otherwise, to lose a 48 year old mom and wife. It's not "normal," by any stretch of the imagination, to lose a beloved son/grandson/nephew/
cousin at the age of 22. It's NOT normal. But it is life. It is our life. I'm not going to make any apologies or excuses for how we are now living it.

It just is what it is.

Love you guys.

Random Thursday. 'Cept it's Friday.

2011-12-16T06:00:00.001-05:00

Oh, and there is a Droid Photo Friday post, too. A two-fer!

Finally got some decorating done. It was a free-for-all, as always. What is up...is up. What ain't...see ya next year box o' decorations.
Oldest child is home which means...No Cookin' for Momma. Loving it.
Small Group this morning was exactly what I needed. Hopefully, exactly what the other ladies needed, too. I made this yumminess and a bowl of fruit on the side. Surprisingly, the danish was much more popular. I don't get it.
As I'm typing this, there are delicious smells coming from the kitchen...flat iron steak on the grill, quick steamed/sauteed green beans, smashed taters, W bread. Can't wait!
Tomorrow morning is the stocking-stuffer-Walmart-run with my husband. We've been planning it for weeks. Then lunch at My Girl's place of employment, Delia's. Despite the name and the rumored delicious pizza, we have never had pizza there. But I can vouch for the zucchini fritters, goat cheese and potato poppers, and Prosciutto e Vodka, which I have eaten the last two times we've been there and will probably order again tomorrow for lunch.
What do y'all put in stockings? The stocking is my favorite part. My mom knows how to stuff a stocking. These days she periodically gives us bags of things with stocking stuffer type items throughout the year. I'm thinking we are getting a better deal this way.
Oh! Big News! Father-in-law takes possession of his new pad at Greensprings on December 30. The movers pack up his Dumfries home that day and move him in on December 31. Can you say, "Happy New Year!"? Thankfully, we are pretty well set to go. The following week we will do some deep cleaning, carpet cleaning, etc., and his house will go on the market. I know it is also a sad time, but really, I think he is looking forward to it.
I can not believe Christmas is just 10 days from today. This has been the longest year on record. I'm not sorry to see it go. I just wish the pain could be left behind.

Y'all wouldn't waste a prayer on our family this Christmas season. Specifically...that 2012 will be a year of healing for the Odenthal, Wheeler and Smith families. I want to assure you, though, that in our pain and grief, we have not forgotten those of you who are also grieving. You are in our prayers. Every day. I promise.

Love you guys. See y'all soon.

Droid Photo Friday.

2011-12-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

I love her markings. Even though she is Evil.

Our Youth...on their knees...praying aloud.

He was five. Be still my heart.

Finally got some decorating done.

Sister's hubs is making these...I told him he should be selling them.

Peeling potatoes.

Martha Stewart's pie...oldest made it.

The cat/dog whisperer strikes again. They love him.

New Year Revolution #2.

2011-12-15T06:00:00.000-05:00

About 8 years ago, I lost 45 pounds. I needed to lose 45 pounds. I worked out 2-3 hours a day. I cut out sugar and flour and anything fried and felt like I was starving most of the time. But I lost 45 pounds.

I've since gained that 45 pounds back. Plus a few *cough* more.

Revolution #2. Stop talking about it and Just Do It (thank you, Nike...) I don't have the time to work out 2-3 hours a day anymore. I can, however, cut out sugar and flour and everything fried. Oh, and the wine. Time to cut out the wine.

So, come January 1 (no...this is not a New Year resolution), I will tackle the beast; jump on board; get on it; Just Do It. I have more resources than Carter has Liver Pills. I love that expression...my mom always used it. I would imagine she learned it from her mom, or maybe Aunt Flo. Sounds like something Aunt Flo would say. One day I looked up Carter's Liver Pills. And...you're welcome.

I do have more resources than I can count. My poor family, they don't know what's coming. I've been doing tons of clean eating research. I have Made to Crave next to my bedside and I am ready to dig in with highlighter and pens. Healthy cook books, exercise dvd's, my treadmill, my workout buddy, Annette, and weights...all at the ready.

None of which really matters. (Except you, Annette...I think you are my best hope for actually doing this!)

I don't have an actual time frame/weight loss schedule. My goal, really, is to eat more healthy, eat more cleanly, get stronger. I'm hoping the whole lose weight thing will just tag along for the ride.

Love you guys. See y'all soon.

New Year Revolution #1.

2011-12-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

I an not doing resolutions this year. I never stick with them, anyway. Except for the year I swore I was going to completely quit smoking, even though I rarely smoked at all anymore, and then I came down with a case of the flu that was so wicked, I lost about 4 days of my life. When I woke up, I never craved a smoke again. That was an act of God, not a resolution.

I started talking with God about the New Year some months ago. This has been the worst year ever for the Odenthals, Wheelers and Smiths. *a bit of an understatement.* I've been praying, for months as I said, that 2012 will be better. I'm not asking for perfect; or pain free; or tear free. Just...better.

In the usual way our conversations go, God started talking to me about how I am going to make things better in the upcoming year.

*it really is all about me...lol*

Periodically between now and January 1, I will be sharing some of my revolutions for you. Revolution, not resolution. I'm revolting against the old me (aka That Girl).

While working on this, Revolution #1, my thoughts turned more to what I was gaining, not what I was giving up. The goal is more time with my family; more time focused on my family and our friends. I need that. They need that.

2012 Revolution #1: Letting go. Also known as saying no. There are a few things that I need to and will say yes to: my Thursday morning small group; I sense that they are an integral part of the year 2012. My 9-10th grade small group of girls; we meet during Youth DOG Pound on Sunday nights. And lastly, being a part of a Relay for Life Team; Team Beth. I have to walk in memory of Beth, in honor of her family, and to help raise money and awareness for a cure.

This may not seem like a big thing to any one of you, or even all of you. For me, however, it is huge. I'm a people pleaser; I'm OCD; I want to...need to...control. This entire year has been one big fat Susan-can't-control-any-of-these-circumstances year. It has also been a year where I have totally and completely relied on God, my family, and those around me. Not because I wanted to; because I had to.

Love you guys! See y'all soon.

News of the Smith World.

2011-12-10T07:33:00.001-05:00

The truck has had a short in the dash panel for the last few months. Finally have it figured out and getting it fixed today. I have mixed feelings about it. Since I couldn't see what speed I was driving at night, I could legitimately say, "but officer! See? My dashboard isn't lit up so I didn't know how fast I was driving." On the other hand, when The Big Boy would drive the truck at night (he comes home from Longwood today!), usually with me riding shotgun, he would drive like a great-great-granny since he couldn't see the actual speed. Since his usual granny-speed driving drove me crazy, this drove me insane.
It is Saturday and we are going to Dumfries today. I'm procrastinating taking a shower in order to procrastinate having to leave. I have so much stuff to do at my own home, one would think I would be working on what I need to get done here, instead of typing a blog post. Umm...yeah.
The sunrises this week have been stunning. I cling to them for a number of reasons. One: I'm usually awake for them these days, so they are like an old friend I meet for coffee every morning. Two: they are a promise of a new day; a new beginning. Three: I like to think that God knows how much I love them and so He puts on a really big show for me some mornings. Four: this has been a really crappy week and I have extra-needed a good sunrise.
One of the non-sunrise highlights of my week was Thursday morning small group time with a handful of The Girls. More on all of this will be forthcoming, I would imagine. I hope they all realized that when they signed up for this...I'm a blabber mouth blogger and they will most certainly become fodder for my writing. Without mentioning any names or betraying any confidences, I promise!
I can procrastinate no longer. If you think of it, would you please toss up a prayer for the Smith, Wheeler and Odenthal families? I can speak for all of us and say we are all struggling during this Christmas season, missing our boy, Andy and Katie like crazy.

Love you guys. See y'all soon.

Droid Photo Friday.

2011-12-09T06:00:00.000-05:00

View from my back porch

Chloe

Happy Little Corner of my Desk

It's Thursday and it's random.

2011-12-08T06:00:00.000-05:00

I love Thursday. It's so...random. It's not Sunday...the Sabbath; it's not Monday...the beginning of the work week; it's not Tuesday...catch up day; it's not Wednesday...hump day. It's not Friday...the end of the work week/beginning of the weekend. It's not Saturday...the weekend. See? Totally Random, is our Thursday. Perfect for putting down the often useless, always aimless thoughts rolling around in my brunette *originally* head.

when I am at home, I usually have my bangs up in a big, fat. brown claw clippy. My bangs drive me crazy, yet I continue to ask for them/cut them myself.
y'all have seen nothing yet, in the scarf department.
I dump a pile of Tums on my bedside table every night because I often need them during the night and hate fumbling around for the big container in the dark, flipping the top open and dumping them out. Tums are noisy.
I am addicted to books; yet, I can't remember the last time I read a book completely from cover to cover. I have a zillion books currently, "in process."
do y'all know about moleskin? Best thing ever invented if you are a runner or a walker. I always have tender spots on the back of my feet. This stuff is amazing. I've heard this stuff is good too for walkers and runners.
for those of you with boys, did you teach them to sit down or stand up to pee ?Seriously, this is a big debate in our household of three guys.
it wasn't until my grandfather passed away...Brett was about 4 years old, Shawn 10 and Sarah 9, that my kids ever saw me cry. Now that's about all they see me doing.
I love about five layers of bedding on top of me. My man does not. Makes for some interesting bedding configurations. He hates the weighed down feeling...I love it. What about y'all?
Her Evil Highness has a new game: lying in wait for Tux to come lumbering by...then she pounces on him. He outweighs her by about 5 times over. So he usually swings around, body slams her to the ground and pins her. That's when she starts screaming like a newborn kitten. He releases her and it begins all over again. All. Night. Long.
I met my husband when I was a freshman in high school and he was a junior. We went to different high schools and met through a mutual friend. We did date other people before we married. I so regret telling my children that story. They constantly use it against us, lol.

If you are still reading this, your eyes have surely glazed over by now. Love you guys. See y'all soon.

Stuff.

2011-12-07T06:57:00.001-05:00

I have always been a ~~hoarder~~ collector of ~~fine things~~ stuff. I love knick knacks. I love collections of anything: buttons, ornaments, seashells, dishes, books (oh my word...the books!). If an emotional and/or family attachment is added to it...I will hold on for dear life.

As you can imagine, the above addiction leads to clutter. Lots and lots of clutter. I think we've pretty well established that I have a major case of OCD. The two are just not compatible in my brain. Never have been. Even after years of clutter vs. OCD therapy. Retail therapy, that is.

I truly believe that one of the major lessons I am to learn from the last 3 years is that stuff doesn't matter. Watching my parents go through my grandparent's home and things, my great aunt and uncle's home and things and then there own home and things when they down-sized and moved...I mean, wowza. The amount of stuff was incredible.

On the other hand, stuff can hold the key to a tremendous amount of memories. When I pull out the "good" dishes, I'm reminded of family gathered around tables for special meals and holidays. Because of that, I've been pulling out the "good" stuff and using it more and more.

My sister has had to go through Andy's stuff. Since he was only 22 years old, he didn't have all the stuff that we might have, but it has been brutally painful for her, as you can imagine. The memories right now don't really bring joy or happiness. One day, it will be different. She's keeping some of Andy's stuff, of course. Just yesterday, she bravely set out to decorate the house for Christmas. I can't really go on typing this paragraph, so I will leave you to your own thoughts as to what this might have been like for her. I know it is all I've thought about since she told me she was decorating yesterday.

Stuff. My home is filled with it right now. I've never really gone through and gotten rid of my less important stuff when more important stuff has come into my house..things from my family I truly treasure and want to keep. And now, more stuff has come into my home from my in-law's. When my mother-in-law became ill in July, her first thought was to just dump all of that stuff that was in her home, and walk away. She did not want to have to deal with it and told us to not hold onto any of it. It was just stuff. My father-in-law, on the other hand, is all about holding onto all of his stuff...he repeatedly tells us, "it is my mine...and I want every single bit of it to come to the apartment with me." A tiny bit of control in the midst of total chaos in his life?

I think that's the key.

Stuff is something we can control. The obtaining and letting go of our stuff is controlled by us. Even if our stuff is out of control; cluttered; disorganized; chaotic. When I opened Jesus Calling this morning, December 7, the opening sentences were huge for me: "I am with you in all that you do, even in the most menial task. I am always aware of you, concerned with every detail of your life. Nothing escapes My notice - note even the number of hairs on your head."

Total Control.

The last three years have taught me one thing: I have no control. Best friend's will die of cancer; I can't control that. Mother's will be diagnosed with cancer; I can't control that. Beloved children will die and I can't control that. Knowing now, that none of this was unexpected to God; that it was and is all part of His plan...having that awareness...has finally set me free from my need for all of this stuff; my need to control.

Love you guys. See y'all soon.

Stepping back to punt.

2011-12-06T08:22:00.001-05:00

I have been working on a post this morning. It just didn't come together like I wanted it to/thought it should. So I'm stepping back to punt.

we (Wild Boy and I) both fell back asleep this morning.
ugh.
he was late to school, grumpier than usual and I have mommy-guilt out the wazoo.
and it's drizzling.
it's already 8:25 and I've accomplished nothing.
oh! I did empty the dishwasher.
my Christmas tree is still nekked.
my excuse for the nekked tree is "we are waiting for Shawn to get home so we can decorate the tree as A Family.)
And I'm stickin'-to-it.
my bible study materials, bible, journal, etc., are all stacked up on the couch.
Untouched for days.
this post has turned into a "the confessions of a soon-to-be-50-something mom."
being a teenager is hard.
being the parent of a teenager is really hard.
I had my entire week planned out and nothing is going the way I planned it.
I hate that.
I expected that.
I am struggling with some jealousy and guilt this morning.
Those two together are wicked ugly.
closing this post with Psalm 6:11: "You reveal the path of life to me; in Your presence is abundant joy; in Your right hand are eternal pleasures." HCSB

Love you guys. See y'all soon.

Green Monster.

2011-12-05T12:12:00.001-05:00

Continuing from the discussion on facebook...http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=524072574, so y'all don't think I've completely gone to the dark side I'll share my lunch dilemma with you.

I had this for breakfast. An Amazing Meal, by Amazing Grass.

Here is the link.

It really wasn't that bad. I used lactose-free milk (I had it and wanted to use it up. We've switched to soy milk, Russell and I, and the boy is still drinking whole milk because our doc encouraged him to do so).

I added about 2 tbl of Greek Yogurt, (plain, fat free), 2 tbl of Flax Seed Oil and about 10 ice cubes.

It still tasted too...ummmm...yucky, so I added a tbl of Chocolate Malt Ovaltine. No sense fixing it if ya ain't gonna drink it. I drank the entire thing, no problem.

I have this beautiful bowl full of lovely Clementine oranges, sweet delicious Pink Lady apples,

tart Granny Smith apples, and sweet, juicy pears.

This is what I should have had for lunch.

But, no.

This is what I had for lunch.

With two slices of packaged orange American cheese stuff melted in it.

That's how I roll. It's all about baby steps and moderation.

Love y'all. See you soon!

If it's Saturday...

2011-12-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Saturday and we are NOT in Dumfries. Woo-hoo!

We are officially on "stand down." At Greensprings today (Jackson Court, for those who know anything about GS), Grandad signed the contract for his 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath apartment. Move in date is December 30; earlier if his apartment is ready (new carpet, floors, counters, paint, shower stall, dishwasher, fridge). My Man made the monumental decision that yes, we should wait to put the house on the market after Alvin moves. Thankfully, Alvin was very amenable to all of it and we were in and outta there pretty quickly. Lunch at Saratoga Family Restaurant was very pleasant. Afterwards, however, I think it all caught up with him and it was time to head home. Russell says it's been pretty tough since then.

Understandable.

*As I'm writing this post, I'm watching NCIS...is this ever a surprise to anyone, anymore?*

I gotta share with y'all what happened to me yesterday. I received a text from My Beloved asking me to metro down to Pentagon City and go to dinner with him. Heck yeah. My favorite Pastor took me to the metro and dropped me off. I headed on in, got my one way pass and stepped onto the platform just as a train pulled away. I knew it would only be a few minutes til the next train pulled in...it was rush hour, after all. I have honestly been feeling okay this week. Sleeping on and off, but that's nothing new. The train pulled in and after the unload, I climbed aboard and sat down. And immediately had a panic attack. What the heck? (speaking of what the heck, have y'all seen this? Oh. My. Word. Sarah and I still quote it regularly. Hilariously adorable!) In a previous life, I probably would have gotten back off the train. I stuck with it and, like a big girl, made it all the way to Pentagon City. Upon arrival, I started to phone My Man, but, because God is so very good, he was standing there waiting for me. We met up with his office folks for a drink and then he and I headed to My Girl's restaurant to have dinner.

I wanted to talk to you about the panic attack. I haven't had one in years. If you know anything about stress, you know that stress is cumulative. Panic attacks often occur, for me anyway, after a prolonged period of stress. Prolonged period of stress. It's funny. I haven't felt stressed out. I mean, intellectually, of course I know I'm stressed out and I know that it will and has affected me physically. Sleeplessness. Gut aches. Heart palps. My fibromyalgia kicks in now and then. But considering what has been going on in my life, I've actually felt pretty good.

Anyway, the panic attack last night led to a really stressed out Me today. I woke up on edge. Wired. I hate it. Hate it. There are some things coming up that are going to be really hard to go through. More stress. After rushing around all day, I came out of Whole Foods and had to take a moment. I called a friend and told her to just talk me down. And she did. We talked about the immediate future and I verbalized my thoughts: "why, God? Why all of this...now?" The answer? Maybe all of the things going before are helping prepare me for the coming up. Instead of seeing it as stress overload, maybe it will help me to see things in a new light. In His light. I'm definitely much more sensitive to everyone and everything around me; so much more aware of the hurt and pain and trauma of others.

My prayer is that each of us will take a moment each morning to prepare our hearts for the hurting and heart broken people we will encounter that day.

I think that is what it is all about.

I love y'all. See you soon.

Friday Droid Photos.

2011-12-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

Love you guys. See y'all soon.

Thursday Thankfuls.

2011-12-01T07:05:00.001-05:00

Because I love me a list.

Today I'm thankful for:

warm kitty breath on my face to wake me up in the morning. *which quickly turns to kitty bum in the face if I don't wake up quickly*
a toasty, comfy home to wake up in on 30 degree mornings.
coffee, lots and lots of yummy coffee. with whipping cream and turbinado sugar because I'm over the top like that.
sunrises. I've always been a night-owl-sleep-in-girl. I've missed so many incredible sunrises. now I recognize that a sunrise, even the palest shade of color, is worth getting up for.
a grumpy, silent 15 year old boy who will turn 16 in less than 2 months. He is not a morning person. Just like his momma at that age.
a husband who is determined to honor his mother by taking care of his father. A father who was, and is, difficult, at best.
friends who don't take, "I'm fine" as an answer to the question, "how are you, really?"
a walking buddy who recognizes I just need a break right now, but that I truly do miss time with her every morning. I promise I have not broken up with you, Annette!
far away friends, some I've never met yet in real life, who check up on us regularly.
bible study. I love a good bible study. With lots of daily homework. We are getting ready to dive into the Book of James on January 9. I am so psyched. I have already started reading James and reviewing the sample download of the study. You can find it here.
all of you. Now, please log in and comment so I'm a little more encouraged to keep writing. Not that my mom encouraging me to continue writing doesn't count. It does. Thanks, Mom!

Love you guys. See y'all soon.

Let the shopping begin.

2011-11-30T20:24:00.000-05:00

I spent three hours online shopping last night. Nothing beats shopping from the comfort of my own home. Everyone around me hates the early arrival of Christmas in the stores and on television. I have always loved it. The Christmas music, the lights, the decorations, the parties, the food, the gifts (I am all about the giving and receiving of gifts), the general congeniality of mankind, the few extra weeks to procrastinate.

For my family, this Christmas is going to be different. This Christmas is different. I have always hated the saying, "fake it 'til you make it." It completely goes against the grain of what we were created to be. Faking it? Isn't there enough of that in this world? Just turn on the television or pick up a newspaper. Who is really real anymore? What is real anymore? Making it? We run around trying to "make it" happen; "make it" bigger; "make it" better.

I was the biggest faker I knew. Having children made me real. Children brought out the best and the worst in me and DiNozzo smacked me with reality. They helped me realize that the faking had to stop with me. Or I was going to raise another generation of fakers.

My family can't fake it this Christmas. It's going to be painful. We're going to make you feel uncomfortable. We're going to cry. We're going to avoid parties. We're going to avoid you. Oh, we could fake it. And at times, we will. But the reality for us this year is that we are in pain. We lost a child this year. We lost a mother this year. We had two family members diagnosed with cancer this year. We have been dealing with a father fighting our best efforts to help him move and get settled into a strange home, a strange new life.

We are sorry if we make it difficult or uncomfortable for anyone, but we are determined to be real. We are thankful for all of you. You have come along side us and grieved and cooked and baked and written notes and moved and packed and sorted and held our hands. We still need you to do that. We know that one day, you will need help through such a time as this. We will be there for you; because we know.

This Christmas we aren't so much focusing on the gifts; the lights; the decorations. Our focus is much more Heaven bound. We are secure and comforted knowing our missed loved ones are there. With our Lord and Savior. That, dear ones, is Real.

I love you all and am so very thankful and grateful for each of you!

A bit of Randomness.

2011-11-29T06:50:00.000-05:00

1. I just scarfed down a full plate of broccoli and beef, dumplings and crunchy noodles. And I stopped myself from eating another. Why is it that when I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I stopped eating under stress and duress; I would actually lose weight. Then I hit 25 and am determined to eat my way into eternity.

2. Have I mentioned there is a port-a-potty chair on my carport?

3. My dining room is absolutely covered with boxes. Amidst the stacks are two boxes containing Christmas gifts that were actually delivered to my house by Brown Man. One box for Russell. One box for Brett. Future birthday gifts, is my guess.

4. I texted my husband and told him I was about ready to cry. He text me right back and said he feels the same way.

5. *this item was deleted. you are welcome*

6. Disregard my pity party, aka #5 above. We are doing the right thing. We are doing the only thing. We can handle it. We are grown-ups. And we have wine to help us. Just kidding on that last part. Sort of.

7. My tree is in the stand. Completely nekked. It smells delicious. In a nekked sort of way. This year, if we ever get it decorated, it will be a "there's a toddler in the house" kind of decorating. No antique glass ornaments; all vintage Snoopy ornaments will stay packed up; nothing shiny or tinkly or tempting for a toddler aged kitty. So, pretty much lights and some old paper chains the kids made back in elementary school. As I'm typing this, toddler kitty is galloping around the living room, chasing her own shadow and occasionally stopping to take a swig from the tree stand water.

8. Thankfully, Clark has put up the outside lights on the house. Not completely done yet, but we do light up the block like a runway. This year, I am making him put lights on the back deck. And the shed. *he has assimilated me*

9. Her Evil Highness made her great escape this morning. It isn't a big deal anymore. Sarah texted me a fleeting photo of a reddish blond blur on the front porch as she ran back into the house howling. For food. The open door stalking continued as soon as she was full.

10. As I'm attempting to compose this post, I have NCIS on and the time is 6:00 pm. The suggestive commercials that have come on have absolutely shocked me. As in I thought Chloe had stepped on the remote and we had switched to an adult channel. Seriously.

11. Public Service Announcement. Stop collecting junk. More stuff does not make us happy. More stuff does not make our children happy. And think of your poor children when you are gone and they have to go through all of that stuff. Russell and I are committed to going through, purging and organizing. You're welcome.

12. Okay, I'm totally not happy with this post."I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." *name that quote*

Come December 1, I will still love you guys. See y'all tomorrow.

So easily distracted.

2011-11-28T06:00:00.000-05:00

I woke up thinking there was no way I could spend another day away from my home.

The house was a wreck. The laundry was piled up. Christmas Tree needles scattered about. A dishwasher full of dirty dishes. Boxes everywhere.

So after church and lunch, Shawn brought me back home while Russell, Mike, Brett and William drove South to Dumfries.

*which by now we pretty much do with our eyes closed*

Shawn changed clothes, threw his stuff together and headed back to school. He returns back home on Dec 10. Hardly seems worth it, except for the whole "study for and take semester final exams" thing.

I started digging into the kitchen, determined to straighten up, clean up, wash up, throw out and...quickly lost the will to ~~live~~ continue. You know, about 5 minutes in. I thought a little parental distraction would be nice and I quickly plopped myself into Mamie's chair and dialed my parents to catch them up on our continuing adventures.

When I couldn't drag out my procrastination any further, I headed back to the kitchen and picked up and set back down a few items. I picked up the phone again and called my sister. She wasn't home. So I texted her. She was at the Hair Wizard. I was soooooo jealous.

Wanting to see which teams were playing, I ~~made the fatal error~~ turned on the tv and found myself on the USA Network, aka the All NCIS All the Time channel. My favorite. I took it as a sign. I settled in with a bowl of spaghetti-o's with meatballs because I hadn't eaten enough junk over the last four days.

Of course it was an episode I've seen a bazillion times, you know the one where Agent Lee goes undercover.

It didn't matter. I so needed it.

During commercials, I surfed some channels and found Return of the Jedi. Nothing says Christmas like Princess Leia in a bikini.

Unfortunately, my husband was soon on his way home from Dumfries. With two loaded down trucks and an Xterra packed to the gills.

Thank goodness it was the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend which meant the traffic was wicked headed North on I-95.

I had time to enjoy the entire episode.

See y'all tomorrow. Love you guys.

Sunday. A day of rest?

2011-11-27T07:30:00.001-05:00

I hope to take a break today. Not sure it is in the schedule, however. No sleep last night has made This Girl a tad grumpy. Especially coming down the stairs this morning and seeing this...

But then, after grabbing my coffee, I headed into the living room and saw/smelled this...

And then I remembered I took this...

Perspective.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow.

If we're in Dumfries, it must be Saturday.

2011-11-26T06:24:00.000-05:00

We have been spending a lot of time in Dumfries, pronounced DUMBfrees not dumbFRYS like my husband says it. Today is The Big Day. We are moving half a ton of things into storage and another two tons into our basement, apparently. Not much goes into a 10x10 storage unit. Furniture that is not going to Granddad's new apartment and boxes that will never see the light of day again (at least not our light of day) all have to be moved out of the house so the house will "show". "Less is best." Or so we have been told. Try telling that to an 82 year old man who just lost his wife of 55+ years and doesn't want to move.

But. I digress.

My husband decided that Thanksgiving Day was the perfect opportunity to wrench his back. I think he stood up and breathed at the same time. That's all we can figure he did to cause it. He is down like feather on a duck. Thankfully, we have a full contingency of ~~favors we called in~~ people lined up. So very thankful for them. *remember that the next time you ask, "is there ANYTHING we can do to help?"* And of course the muscles that are our three children and a variety of their friends.

Yesterday we needed a break from the packing and cleaning and sadness, and stuck to our annual Black Friday tradition. We headed to The Cracker Barrel at 8:00 am. There were thirteen of us. Miss Nina was our server and she was amazing. I had My Man chase down the manager (in his fastest my-back-is-out-hobble) to sing praises for Miss Nina and her helper. Seriously, the woman had skillz. She juggled our orders and plates and requests with ease while barking orders at the other servers. It was impressive. Anyone who has ever worked with the public knows that complaints are the norm and praises are few. We did some praisin' on Miss Nina.

After we were all stuffed with pancakes (seriously, I have never seen some many pancakes consumed at one table) we hopped into four different trucks and headed West to Warrenton. After a stop at the Sheetz (if you live in the south, you have to stop at the Sheetz, no matter how long or short your road trip is), we turned right and headed toward the Shenandoah Mountains (the most gorgeous place in the whole wide world) and into Amissville. We have been getting our Christmas Tree at Glengary Christmas Tree Farm in Viewtown (coolest town name ever) since BK. We stumbled upon it one year when we couldn't find the tree farm we had been to the previous year. Had to have been around 1986 or '87. Shawn was born in 1990.

This year I decided we were all going to wear red scarves for our annual Christmas Card Photo op. And black shirts and blue jeans. Brilliant, I thought. STUPID and LAME were the thoughts of my three darlings. And yet, they all came down the stairs wearing black and blue as requested. I had totally prepared myself to pull a "I ask so little of you *sniff* and you couldn't even do this one thing I *hiccup* ask and it's CHRISSSSSTMAS" dramatization but, they came through. I was even willing to pull the "you know how broken my heart is" line but didn't need to use any of it.

It was a stunningly beautiful day and, even though it really was like herding cats to get them all together and lined up and still and smiling for photos, they were amazing. And, suddenly, everyone wanted to wear the red scarves for their pics.

Trees were chopped down and plucked out of the shed (The Bryan Men chopped their tree...the spoiled Smith woman will only have a Frasier Fir in her house, which are cut down a few days earlier and brought up from the Glengary property in Blacksburg.)

On the way home, I thought to myself, 'one day, we will be out here with our children and their spouses and our grandchildren.'

And the cycle of tradition will be complete.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow.

Christmas Card Rejects.

2011-11-25T14:47:00.001-05:00

For today's entertainment. Christmas card photos you will not be receiving this year.

It was like herding cats.

Droid Friday Photos.

2011-11-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

My Man got the fireplace going! For 15 seconds. *and yes, that is a duck pin on my mantel...don't ask*

I keep forgetting to show this to My Man. *He* loves Angry Birds!

My fave niece, Courtney. Not to be confused with my fave niece, Minz or my other fave niece, Courtenay. *thankful I don't have more nieces*

This is why I go to bed at night.

Evil

The Cat Whisperer. He hates them, they love him.

Thanksgiving Morning Tradition.

Meagan, My Fave Barista loves to write on the lids of my cups...just a little thing we have going.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow! Or, maybe later with some pics from Operation Christmas Tree Farm...

Sunrise.

2011-11-24T07:30:00.001-05:00

As I sit in my Mamie's chair in the living room, I face directly to the East.

The sun is just peeking over the roof line of the house behind ours and no matter how I position myself, pours over my face the warmth and promise that is a new day.

It's going to be a difficult day. For us...we are soon packing up our brood, all of the food for our Thanksgiving Feast and heading South to Dumfries. There will be cooking, packing, cleaning, tears and yes...laughter. My Creator did not make me to cry my way through every day. Snippets of sadness; often rivers of tears do happen. And there was a time in my life, not so very long ago, when I was That Girl, that I would have wallowed in my pain and sadness and the tears and the anger and would never have let it go. But now I am This Girl. I will have tears today. *confession: have already had tears today* I will also laugh and probably even snarl a little out of impatience. I will be, after all, with all three of my children, my husband and my father-in-law, lol.

The difference in becoming This Girl, though, is that my tears, my sadness, my heart break is less often for my own pain and almost always felt for the pain of others. It is going to be an unbearable day for the others in my life. Not only my own immediate family, but also my extended family, friends, neighbors. Everyone of whom has loss, tragedy, sadness in their lives.

Think of your others today. Pray for them. Call them. Hug them.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow and Happy Thanksgiving.

It is Wednesday. It is Random.

2011-11-23T13:32:00.001-05:00

Just wanted y'all to know that while I am sitting here typing this up, I am balling like a baby. This part is NOT random. I have so many incredible women in my life that just overwhelm me with their love, compassion, and Godliness. In our bible study session Monday, our fearless leader, Jeanie, pointed at each of us and asked us what we were going to do this week to respond to the prodding of our Savior and reach out to whomever He lays on our hearts. The next day, she sent out an email to our group sharing with us that she did, indeed, follow through and wrote the two women God laid on her heart and then basically said, "next?" And the emails started flowing in. Each of us shared our response to Jeanie's challenge. I have been reading these today and that is what has me balling like a baby. Reminding me of the amazing women God has blessed me with here at my church, in my 'hood, in my path through The Twitter, blogging, Facebook...

Okay, because I hate to always be serious and stuff...on to the random:

:: My Man was emptying the dishwasher last night and I heard him bust out laughing. In he walked and handed me my reading glasses. And yes, they did have water spots on them. *time to switch dishwasher brands*

:: The Big Boy and his roomie, Theo, woke up this morning (I'm sure by Her Royal Evilness climbing all over their faces) and promptly positioned themselves on the couch for a Super Smash Brothers Battle. My Girl announced she was making breakfast and soon delivered egg, bacon & cheese burritos to each of us. I was in Heaven.

:: Until Her Evilness snatched two pieces of bacon off the counter and devoured them. *bad kitty*

:: Yesterday, my niece, Courtney, came over and hung out with me. I loved it. I rarely have extended time with any of my nieces or nephews alone and I, of course, put her right to work. I'm sure she is anxious to come back and spend some quality time with Doo-Doo* very soon!

*Andy, when he first started talking, tried to say Sue-Sue and it came out Doo-Doo and now it has stuck. And I love it, by the way.

:: If you haven't yet, please pop back over to yesterday's post and share what you are cooking/
bringing/baking/making for Thanksgiving tomorrow. It is true that I live vicariously through everyone else's food.

:: Back to a serious thought or two (they are so fleeting, I have to get them down on paper immediately). I told y'all earlier this week that I have missed reading and studying the Word and communicating with God. Our last Bible Study session is this Monday. I'm looking for something to fill the space before we begin James on January 9 and I'm asking for your ideas. Please!

:: And at the risk of bursting out in tears again (sheesh), can I selfishly ask y'all to pray for my baby sister, Jenny and her Man, Al and their sweet girls, Courtney and Lindsay and my mom and dad, Judy and Phil. Their pain is unbearable with the Holiday season here and Andy gone.

:: Okay, I need to finish up working on the announcements for church and, as a sidebar, can I just say that I Love My Job.

Love you guys. Mean it. See y'all tomorrow and hug your loved ones extra hard while you are all together this Holiday season.

*also...every time I read through this I start to cry again so I apologize for any typos or other such nonsense.

Thanksgiving meal...whatcha having?

2011-11-22T11:31:00.001-05:00

Thanks, Jeni, for sharing your Thanksgiving feast plans. Sounds dee-lish.

We are having:
Roasted turkey and gravy
Smashed taters
Sweet potato casserole
Corn pudding/casserole
Green beans
Roasted Brussels sprouts
Baby lima beans in butter/milk (the way Katie made them but they are never as good as hers)
Yeast rolls
Apple spice rings
Cranberry sauce
Pumpkin Pie
Pecan Pie
Tums

What are y'all having?

Tuesday's Chronicles.

2011-11-22T05:55:00.001-05:00

I opened Jesus Calling this morning right at the ribbon marker. I have always been thankful for ribbon markers. They take me to the exact location I need to be in a book. In this case, that would be November 8, the last time I opened up Jesus Calling, apparently. I was seriously surprised by that. I could have sworn it had only been a week since I last checked out JC.

Just another indication that life is flying by. Flying. By. My wise father told me years ago that time would really start flying now that I had children. We have always received comments like, "you and your family are so busy;" "how do you ever get anything done?" "when do you take time for yourselves?" We were/are busy; we get nothing done around our home as evidenced by the condition of our home; and we snatch tidbits of time to call our own. Wouldn't change a second of it. Well, except for the part where I apparently lost total communication with God.

I realized that He and I weren't in touch anymore yesterday morning during Bible Study when I opened up His Word and felt a rush of excitement; the excitement of newness. I absolutely believe His Word is Alive. Which to me means ever-changing, always fresh, new each time we read even our favorite verses. This, however, was the newness of long-time, no-see, and so-glad-to-meet-ya.

I left my hand on top of my bible most of our study yesterday. I could feel its warmth; its Life; its Power.

I longed to devour every word.

But, like most days, by the time I rushed out the door after bible study, met the girls for lunch and dashed home to begin (continue?) the never-ending packing, sorting, re-packing that is our life right now, I had completely forgotten about and lost that bible-lovin'-feeling.

Until this morning at 5:30. I opened Jesus Calling to the ribbon marked page of November 8. And, even though it is November 22, I began to read, "Learn to appreciate difficult days. Be stimulated by the challenges you encounter along your way. As you journey through rough terrain with Me, gain confidence from your knowledge that together we can handle anything.This knowledge is comprised of three parts: your relationship with Me, promises in the Bible, and past experiences of coping successfully during hard times. Look back on your life, and see how I have helped you through difficult days. If you are tempted to think, "Yes, but that was then, and this is now," remember who I AM! Although you and your circumstances may change dramatically, I remain the same throughout time and eternity. This is the basis of your confidence. In My Presence you live and move and have your being."

There was a reason I opened Jesus Calling on this particular morning. I needed this reminder. As always, He is Faithful and True; the Bright Morning Star.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow. Oh, and open up your bible and get yourself a Word today.

Monday Madness.

2011-11-21T18:40:00.001-05:00

1. Apparently I have been quite pitiful lately. I received three cards of encouragement last week from three different people. I felt very loved and blessed. Thank you sweet people...you know who you are.

2. The packing and clearing out at father-in-law's home is progressing. It's a vicious cycle. Packing and moving his stuff out of his house and a lot of it coming straight into ours. Pictures, valuables, anything that we don't want to put into storage and that is not going with him to Greensprings. At least not yet, anyway.

3. My mom and dad just expressed surprise at my writing abilities. They told me today that they noticed I didn't have a new blog post up. I have always been a writer. I have just rarely shared. All part of the stepping out of my comfort zone nudge (push?) I have been feeling.

*gratuitous Chloe pic*

4. Is there a better show than NCIS? I. Think. Not.

5. Is it just me or has The Office really lost it's mojo? Very sad.

6. What are y'all doing for Thanksgiving? What foods are you cooking/baking/eating? Be specific.

7. Shawn comes home tomorrow with one of my favorite Shawn-roomies...Theodor.

8. It is already November 21 and I have yet to watch Elf. I am going to have to remedy that ASELFP.

9. Although January is sort of a long way off, several pretty substantial events will be occurring: Our morning bible study group will be tackling Beth Moore's James study and frankly...we are all PUMPED; my baby turns *gulp* SIXTEEN; and I officially move "into my 50's". Ouch on that last one.

10. Since I always have to have TEN items of randomness and couldn't come up with #10...this is it.

11. Oh! I do have a #10 after all...I am STILL avoiding That Post I know I have to write eventually and I'm currently writing a post that is kinda hard to write. Not sure if you will ever see the former, but you will eventually read the latter.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to My Man!

2011-11-20T07:45:00.001-05:00

I first met him when he was 17 and a junior in high school. I was 15 and a freshman.

Today he is 52.

Like a fine wine, he is totally getting better with age.

See y'all tomorrow. Love you guys!

I might be a redneck if...

2011-11-19T11:37:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I was pulling into the Starbucks parking lot in Big Red Truck and this person in a minivan nearly took me out by pulling in front of me. I had the right away. I didn't respond in kind or in any way, actually, other than slamming on my brakes. However, she gave me a look like, "how dare you??!!!" and then "stupid redneck woman driving a big truck."

I decided to choose to take the high road and ignored her (hello...my truck could CRUSH your stupid little mini-van) and jumped down from the cab of Big Red and headed to the door to purchase my morning sweet nectar of life. The mini-van driver literally ran to the door to beat me there and then not hold the door open for me.

What. The. Heck.

Did she hate the color red? Was the deep, vibrating roar of my dual exhaust too loud for her? Did her high school boyfriend leave her for a chick in a truck?

I was totally perplexed by her passive aggressive behavior. (And actually amused by it at this point.)

She ordered her fru-fru drink (not that there is anything wrong with that) and stepped over to wait for it to be prepared. (My grande no-room bold was quickly served up and handed across the counter to me.) The girls, er...excuse me...baristas behind the counter were talking back and forth with me (like I go there regularly, or something) and I could feel her hater glare on me.

The new sweet girl behind the register suddenly exclaimed, "Oh! You have a tattoo...can I see it? What is it? What does it mean?" And right after that I heard Miss Hater Britches give a loud, "I KNEW it!" snort followed by a ..."nothing but redneck white trash" snort.

I extended my arm across the counter to show off my awesome tat and explained that it is a heart (a very girly heart, by the way) with the initials of my nephew (ABO) and why, at the age of 50, I got a tattoo. The girls behind the counter made all the right comments and we shed a few tears. I looked over towards the drink bar, and my nemesis she was giving me a look of sympathy.

Oh. No. You. Didn't.

I said goodbye to the girls and turned to the hater (whose fru-fru drink was still not on the bar) and just looked at her. Y'all that know me...know the look I am talking about.

And I left.

I actually felt sorry for her.

Yeah...I drive a Big Red Truck. Yeah...I have a tat.

But don't go assuming anything about me.

And, by the way, this lesson was totally for me and the judgments and assumptions I make. The life lessons that I have learned and my family has learned, over the last year have been many. I'm thankful that, for the most part, we get it.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow.

Friday DROID Phone Photos.

2011-11-18T07:48:00.001-05:00

Just a little glimpse into my week...moving and packing FIL means a lot of stuff is coming into OUR house...Mexican food last night was Much Needed.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow.

Stepping out of my comfort zone.

2011-11-17T08:23:00.001-05:00

Now that I am 50...or HALF A CENTURY as my youngest likes to shout in my ear (as if I'm deaf)...I am loving My Comfort Zone. It is safe; warm; comfy; just how I like it. It encompasses my whole life: food; money; clothing; my weight and health; my relationships.

Clearly it was time to shake it up a bit.

Realistically, when I review this past year, it is no surprise that I have been clinging to My Comfort Zone (the year 2011 can't be over soon enough for my family and me). But I have been feeling the nudging to get moving. Not to forget or pretend this year never happened. But to get moving on through it; like when we walk through an unexpected spider cobweb...there is lots of flailing and thrashing and ninja moves as if our very survival depends on getting it all off of us. There are always remnant cobweb tendrils that cling to us and never seem to leave.

I don't want to forget. I want some of the memories and feelings and lessons and pain to cling to me. After all, that is part of the purpose for this life; this unbearable agony we must endure at times. It has to be. Looking at pictures of Andy, Beth, Katie and all of those we have lost, fills me with a longing for Heaven I can not deny. Would never deny.

Not that I'm exactly ready to go. I know that I still have some things to do here, although I'm not always sure what or how or 'why me, Lord?'

I do know, however, that I have been dragging my feet; disobeying; rebelling; and that I need to get on it. Step out. Leave My Comfort Zone.

Surprisingly, or maybe not so much, it is My Man who has given me the first real push out of the Zone. Somehow, he convinced me to give up my beloved iPhone 4 for a Droid. A DROID (aka the spawn of Satan). How or why I ever agreed to this is still a blur; but, here I am once again obsessed and consumed with learning new technology. It's like a foreign language to me. I've always loved new technology...but right now, today...I'm wondering what I have gotten myself into. The Wild Boy has already suggested "we switch" phones. He has a nice Droid; but, mine is better, which is all that really matters.

I mean, seriously...what next? I burn my Republican Party Membership Card? Give up my extra-cab-Hemi-driven-gas-hogging-Ram-Truck for a hybrid?

Nothing quite so drastic. Yet. For now...I've become a Droid girl; I'm researching and switching to cleaner eating; I've penciled in regular exercise with bff, Annette and God and I are on speaking terms once again.

It's only a matter of time before I'm driving a Prius.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow.

Rain.

2011-11-16T07:59:00.001-05:00

I like the rain. It is cleansing. Following a good rain, the air smells fresh. The puddles are inviting.

Rain always reminds me of "God crying" or "the angels crying."

Sometimes, I imagine, this is true.

In life, there is pain. I am ashamed that I spent so much time unaware of this. It was on the peripheral. I was able to push it aside and go on my merry way. Oblivious. Self-centered. Not wanting to take on any responsibility associated with being in pain.

Lately, the rain has filled me with a sense of relief. As if God and the angels really were so saddened by the pain in this world, their tears fell freely. Reminding me I am not alone in my pain.

You are not alone in your pain.

This week I have allowed the pain to suffocate me. Overwhelm me. Crush me. Physically, my body shuts down. Emotionally, I withdraw. It is not always a bad thing. Unless I let it become one. Today I am pushing myself to climb back out. To extend my hand up toward the rain. Slipping and sliding a bit in the mud, maybe, but steadily moving toward the Light. My face turned up to feel the tears.

It's not Thursday...but it is random.

2011-11-15T05:23:00.001-05:00

1. I love checking my email first thing in the morning and discovering what I have emailed myself in the middle of the night. *explanation: I toss and turn all night and think of things, pray, have revelations and often...way too often...I grab my iPhone and email myself my thoughts. Please don't judge. I'm only slightly psycho.*

2. I am working on a blog post that may or may not ever see the light of blogdom. It's scaring me to write it. I had to step away.

3. Chloe keeps seeing her reflection in the sliding glass door this morning (at 4:45 am) and flinging herself at herself. Is it so very evil of me to keep laughing hysterically every time she does it? Repeatedly?

4. My dining room is stacked with stuff. Including the Lion King sheets Katie always put on the twin beds for the grandchildren's sleep overs. One of my children, who shall remain nameless but is 21 1/2 years old, has claimed said Lion King sheets.

5. Now Chloe is getting a running start from one end of the living room and slamming into the sliding glass door. Is it evil of me that I can barely resist capturing this phenomenon on my iPhone?

6. My hands are in hideous need of a good manicure. Or just a bad one. I'm not even going to bother until the packing and moving and unpacking and unmoving is done. Ripping a nail off at the quick hurts, y'all. A lot.

7. I am in complete and total denial that next week is Thanksgiving.

8. My gorgeous husband turns 52 on Sunday.

9. The two quiches I made last night for dinner? GONE. And Shawn and his buds aren't even in town. But Sarah, Travis, Brett & William are.

10. Thanks for reading along as I totally avoid the blog post I am supposed to be writing.

And NOT so random...my bff, Joanne Heim, is having surgery today. Please pray for her. Pop in and let her know that you are.

*also...new Haiku up*

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow.

List.

2011-11-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

1.Get back on schedule; His schedule...Regular quiet time, bible study homework.
2. Live intentional; be where I am.
3. Exercise (and my health) is a priority.
4. Menu planning and regular shopping run.
5.Discipline, discipline, discipline.
*I have ALWAYS struggled with discipline. I think it is HI-LARRY-US that my husband once referred to me as "focused" in a marriage class...I mean...what the heck? I am anything BUT focused*
6. As I pondered this "list", I realized the following.
*another list*
a. Pretty much daily, I am consumed...consumed...with grief. Andy, Katie, Beth...my mom's cancer fight, my aunt Mary K's cancer fight.
b. Russell and I are beginning the process of packing up his father and moving him to a Senior Adult Community. We will have our children helping us and any and all friends we can bribe...er...convince to help us. This is a very difficult thing for my father-in-law who struggles with some dementia and, quite honestly, just lost his wife of 50+ years two months ago and doesn't want to leave their last residence. We are also helping him put the house on the market. Packing up and moving a ton of stuff to storage, cleaning, helping him to figure out what can actually fit in his two bedroom apartment, etc.
c. Realistically, until we get Alvin moved in, my life is going to be kind of crazy. But I DO need to make some changes right now. I am forgetting things...overlooking things...poor Wild Boy asked me to get him a book he needs for English 2 weeks ago...he is behind in his reading now because of his momma. Granted, he didn't remind me...but still.
d. I think getting back on schedule with my quiet time and keeping up with my bible study homework daily will be the first and best step for me right now. Knowing Him, everything will fall into place after that.
e. I'm also interested in your ideas...what would be on YOUR list for a new beginning?
Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow.

Sabbath...

2011-11-13T08:00:00.001-05:00

Worship. Lunching out with family and friends. Rest. Peace. Joy.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow.

iPhone Photo Friday - on Saturday. Photos downloaded from my iPhone.

2011-11-12T07:11:00.000-05:00

Friday was an important day...Veteran's Day...and I didn't want to take away from it.

Love you guys. See y'all tomorrow!

My Favorite Veteran...

2011-11-11T00:30:00.000-05:00

LTC (Ret) Philip A. Wheeler.

My dad.

Fall...

2011-11-10T07:00:00.000-05:00

It is still Fall, right? The leaves are still red and orange and yellow and falling.

Fall, for me, is a new beginning. Even more so than a Monday, the first day of a month, or even January 1.

I realized, recently, that I am just biding my time; going with the flow; reactive; waiting for this "time" to be over; submissive to my circumstances.

I am not happy about it. I am not proud of it.

I am actually kind of sad about it.

So. Some change. Some new beginning.

And, because I am OCD, I am working on a list.

Which, of course, I will be sharing.

See y'all tomorrow. Love you guys!

Wicked Wednesday Randomness

2011-11-09T08:32:00.000-05:00

:: The Wild Boy is home sick today. Having four days off in a row was just too much for his system, apparently.

:: The Boy is sick down at Longwood. That is The Worst. I hate it. I can't do anything about it. So I sent him the phone number for his ear doc up here and told him to turn on the charm. Maybe they will call in a script for him.

:: Speaking of The Boy at Longwood. I totally love his roommates. They will be life-long friends I am positive. I'm thinking of adopting them to ensure it.

:: I am currently thinking up new ways to torture the Evil One, Chloella. Fair is fair. She tortures us. Of course I'm thinking along the lines of more kitty clothes, hats, etc. Suggestions welcome. And also, packages containing said suggestions.

:: Last night was one of the best NCIS episodes ever. And it set up the continuation for next week which will be even better.

:: I told My Man I wanted all eight seasons of NCIS for Christmas this year. And that's it. Well, that and a new pair of slippers to wear while I'm watching all eight seasons of NCIS. Who wants to join me for an NCIS festival? Fuzzy slippers required.

:: Since it looks like I will be home all day with the Sick Wild Boy, I am going to polish up some silver. Don't hate me. I know how jealous you are.

:: Aren't you going to ask me why I am polishing silver? Well, I'll tell you anyway. I have been cleaning. In snippets of time, I have been trying to catch up on some cleaning and the top of the corner cabinet in my dining room was dis.gus.ting. So, I'm cleaning it off and washing up and polishing everything that was on top.

:: So I'm having this issue with God. Or, maybe, He has an issue with me. In any case, there isn't much communication between the two of us these days. If y'all could be praying for me about that, I would totally appreciate it.

See y'all tomorrow. Love you guys!

Speaking of cleaning...

2011-11-08T08:23:00.001-05:00

Guess what I get to do for the near foreseeable future?

Yep. Clean someone else's home.

It looks like father-in-law is really going to move to a Senior Living Community. By the end of the year. And his current house is going on the market. In two weeks. And has to be cleaned out and cleaned up. I told My Man today...ain't happening in two weeks. It just ain't. Especially since My Man is going on a couple business trips this month.

Once I was done hyperventilating about it all I realized...we are NOT on a set time frame here.

*still hyperventilating*

Did I mention the Holiday's are coming? Actually the Holiday's are here.

Maybe if I hadn't been listening to Christmas Music the entire month of October I wouldn't be so convinced that the Holiday's are really here.

*don't tell T I said that*

Once again, God's Word to me the last few days is making sense today. He is the Way. He knows The Plan. His Plan is the best plan. I am riding shot gun, not driving. Cling to His cloak.

Man, this is hard. Seriously...the last three years have been H-A-R-D.

But...loving Him has been easy.

See y'all tomorrow. Love you guys.

Cleaning.

2011-11-07T07:25:00.002-05:00

Since my mother-in-law passed away, it seems like all I do is clean. I really don't mind. Except for the part where it looks like all I need to do is clean.

Stella can't get her groove back in the keeping up department.

It reminds me of when all three of the children played multiple sports. Our home became a hotel where we dumped our dirty clothes and gear and grabbed a quick bite to eat either making it in our kitchen, and leaving a mess behind, or carrying it in, and leaving a big mess behind.

Hazel and Alice do not live here anymore, apparently.

Right now, our Fall/Halloween decorations are out and some Thanksgiving-ish/Christmas decorations are out.

Which means everything coming back out needs dusting and everything being put away needs dusting and nothin' is gettin' dustin'.

Top it off with "we expect your father-in-law to be moved in before the end of the year"...

The end of which year? THIS year?

It is seriously killing me.

In lieu of flowers, please send a maid.

Love you guys. See you tomorrow.

Forgiveness.

2011-11-06T08:29:00.001-05:00

Who do you need to forgive today?

Name names and stop there.

No "but...".

No "I feel...".

No "they...".

Just "yes, I forgive *insert name* totally and completely."

Now go and live like you do.

Love you guys. See you tomorrow.

Cat in a Tree. Story at 11.

2011-11-05T10:05:00.000-04:00

Our kitten, aka The Evil Chloella, likes to hide and run out the door every time it opens. Last night at 10:30 she did this, we went out searching and came back in and closed the door and went to bed. And right to sleep, I might add. (so done with her)

This morning, My Man came in and said, "well...how much do you love me? Listen to this."

He opened our bedroom window and I could hear a cat hollering and knew, of course, that it was The Evil One. Stuck in a tree. 20 feet up. And climbing.

(secretly I hoped she had spent the entire night there, not that it would stop her

from running out the door)

So, of course, I ran for the camera. Cuz this was gonna be good.

There was no way I was climbing up a ladder 20 feet to get The Evil One. Thankfully, I didn't have to. Russell is saying, "Chloe, turn around so I can grab your scruff."

The trusty ladder-holders...their ONE day to sleep in since...forever...

"Chloe! TURN AROUND!"

"We should still be in bed."

That's our shed below. Chloe is finally turning around.

He grabbed her and she CLUNG to him for dear life.

She got no sympathy from any of us.

iPhone Friday...November 4, 2011

2011-11-04T15:36:00.001-04:00

Chloe and her brothers, Mason and Moose, compared to a hangar

Chloe, Tux and Jack on Sarah's bed

New Do.

2011-11-03T15:04:00.002-04:00

Because I'm all about the important topics here at This Girl...I got a new do. Not only that, but I got a new hair wizard. He's about 26 and is Vietnamese. Came to the States when he was 8 so still a bit of an accent. I love him. He is easy to chat with. He has tons of ideas for my hair. He just needs a bit of work on the head massage which, let's face it, is the only reason I even GO to a salon. We will discuss this at our next session.

There's something about a new haircut...especially knowing your old hair wiz has gone back to school (she had absolutely NO consideration for my feelings in this matter) after 5 years. FIVE YEARS. That's like 50x longer than a Kardashian marriage. Sitting down in a new chair with a new hair wiz. And still I said...do whatever you want. He did. I liked it.

At the age of 50...I've totally lost my fear of new things, new people, new hair wiz chairs. Finally.

Love you guys and see ya tomorrow.

Randomness

2011-11-02T17:56:00.001-04:00

So after some heavy stuff yesterday, I'm going random.

:: Having teenagers is like riding the Titanic. It starts all happy and cheery and ends...well...you get it.
:: Scott, my new hair wizard, pronounced my hair "best. hair. ever." And has tons of ideas for it.
:: Where was Scott when I was younger and actually cared?
:: Coffee is killing my gut. Killing. It. So I'm doing what I always do...pretend I'm giving it up. Walk away for a few days and come back with a full on Venti-a-day-vengeance.
:: Did you know Starbucks has a new Big Gulp Size? I don't even know what they call it. Nor do I care. (see previous random item)
:: THE RED CUPS ARE HERE! THE RED CUPS ARE HERE!
:: My father-in-law hired a cleaning lady. Off the street. Literally. As in "hi, I'm *insert name here* and I'm looking for work, call me." He's 82 and is also killing my gut.
:: Scott didn't even comment on my gray roots. I like that in a hair wiz.
:: Wild Boy (aka Smith_amazing on The Twitter) has BLOCKED ME on Twitter. If you are truly my friend, please slam him with follow requests. Thank you.
:: Speaking of Wild Boy, he has been sidelined with an ankle injury for 3 weeks. Tomorrow is the last game of the JV season against our biggest rival. Life ain't been happy around the Smith house.
:: Chloella DeVille. Also killing my gut. If she wasn't so daggone cute...I'd let her STAY outside all night when she dashes out the door. And she's only a kitten. An evil kitten.
:: Secretly, I'm happy football season is over. I'm not really sure why.
:: Did you know that teenage boys who practice football for three hours smell like they haven't showered in three months and the stench penetrates every fibrous pore it touches? Oh...wait...that could explain the previous random item...
:: My house has smelled lovely lately. And so has my truck.
:: Okay, time for Wednesday Night Dinner. At church. AKA Momma ain't cookin' tonight.

Love you guys.

Nine Months...nope...nothing to do with babies.

2011-11-01T12:50:00.006-04:00

Nine months (almost). That's how long it has been since I've blogged.

A lot has happened in those months.

We lost our beloved Andy. Twenty-two years old. My baby sister's oldest and only boy. He was the first grandchild. My Andy B's. God...I miss him so much. But then, You know that, God, since I cry out to You every day. The trickle down from Andy's death...well, more on all of that over the next few months.

Andy and his momma

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. Ironic that the October before, she gave up smoking for good. Thankfully, it was caught fairly early...but not as early as they had initially led us to believe. Concurrent chemo/radiation ensued following surgery and now she is doing so well. She has peach fuzz growing on top of her bald head and a spring back in her step, finally. The cancer didn't bring her down...but losing her oldest grandson sure did and continues to.

Mom

My mother-in-love's cancer returned...if it was ever really gone. And she was with Jesus (in the biggest mansion He could provide, we are positive!) in a matter of months. Hard, man. Hard.

Katie

But God keeps reminding me that He sent Jesus among us so that we could live abundantly (John 10:10). Dictionary.com defines abundantly as: present in great quantity; more than adequate; over sufficient; well supplied; richly supplied.

The Greek Transliteration of abundantly is incredible...

 περισσός perissos {per-is-sos'}

 from G4012 (in the sense of beyond); TDNT - 6:61,828; adj

—Greek Word Study (Transliteration-Pronunciation Etymology & Grammar)

 1) exceeding some number or measure or rank or need
    1a) over and above, more than is necessary, superadded
        1a1) exceeding abundantly, supremely
        1a2) something further, more, much more than all, more plainly
    1b) superior, extraordinary, surpassing, uncommon
        1b1) pre-eminence, superiority, advantage, more eminent,
             more remarkable, more excellent

—Thayer's (New Testament Greek-English Lexicon)

From G4012 (in the sense of beyond); superabundant (in quantity) or superior (in quality); by implication excessive; adverb (with G1537) violently; neuter (as noun) preeminence:—exceeding abundantly above, more abundantly, advantage, exceedingly, very highly, beyond measure, more, superfluous, vehement [-ly].

—Strong's (Greek Dictionary of the New Testament)

 AV - more 2, beyond measure 1, vehemently + G1537 1, more abundantly 1,
      advantage 1, superfluous 1, very highly + G5228 + G1537 1,
      exceeding abundantly above + G5228 + G1537 1,
      exceeding + G5228 + G1537 1; 10

Abundantly, I have not been living. And while I've tried to get back on track before...November 1 is looking like the day to start making disciplined, progressive, baby steps of faith, back to the living.

More tomorrow...

Giveaway at Wild Olive Tees!

2011-02-25T20:03:00.000-05:00

I love this place. And they are giving away free hoodies! Check it out here:

http://www.wildolivetees.com/hoodie-giveaway/#comments

Control

2011-01-17T08:49:00.000-05:00

Hi. My name is Susan. And I am a control freak.For my two regular readers who know me well, this is not news.

I love to take full control of a situation so that I can manipulate it to go the way I want. Just being honest here.

Or at least, that was the old Sooz...THAT Girl.

THIS Girl, however, has grown. Matured. Wised up. Or more likely, just been thrown into so many uncontrollable situations by God that she has had to let go of the control.

Having said that...the desire to control is always present. But I've learned that there is only one Controller and He is in total control. Nothing happens in this world...let me say that again...nothing happens in this world that He doesn't know about; that He hasn't given His consent to. Does that hurt you like it hurts me? I denied that statement for years. How can a loving God allow such massive tragedy? Children dying of cancer and other disease. Earthquakes that kill 100's of thousands of people. Thousands of children starving to death every day. Children used as slaves. Dear friends dying of cancer. Thirty-eight year old healthy women suffering massive strokes. I'm not going to quote scripture here. I want you to find scripture on this if you feel so inclined. But I will tell you what I know: there is Good and there is evil. Without one there cannot be the other. If it was all good, all the time, we would have no need for God. A relationship with Him is the reason He created us. He seeks us out in order to have a relationship with Him. In time...His time...He will set all things right again. All things will be Good for eternity. Oh, and miracles? They do still happen. One of them is living in my house. I believe in miracles. Period.

But I still want to control. Deeply embedded in my flesh is the need to control. I fight it every second of every day.

When my friend Beth became ill, I was able to satisfy my need to control by setting up meals for the family, keep the world informed a bit on what was going on, etc. I was also able to see her, touch her, love on her, bring her favorite Starbucks Green Tea Lemonade to her.

Today, 1700 miles across the United States, a friend is lying in a hospital bed. I can't control any of it. I'm not physically near to jump in and set up meals, financial aid, rides, give out news. But thankfully, there are those that can. I can't touch her, love on her, hold her hand, whisper my love to her. But thankfully, He has placed others there that can. My need to control is so great, I have looked into airline fares to Colorado Springs. But then what? For now, He has instructed me to stand down. To do the things I can do. Pray. Fast. Talk with the other women in my life who also love Joanne. Appreciate and love on my own family. Recognize that our time here is short.

That is what I am doing today. I woke up early to pray. I am fasting from food. I guzzled my first cup of coffee in Joanne's honor. I am switching to healthy beverages for the remainder of the day. I will stop and pray throughout the day. I will exercise lightly this morning and work on projects around the house. It is all I can do. It is what I am supposed to do.

Allowing Him to control.

For the first time in a week...I am at peace.

Love you guys.

Day 14 for Becky Jo...definitely keeping in mind that I am a goofball.

2011-01-14T18:15:00.000-05:00

For Becky Jo

2011-01-13T19:05:00.000-05:00

Praying for Joanne: From Jesus Calling

2011-01-12T08:10:00.000-05:00

January 12, 2011

Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young

January 12:

Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all the twists and turns of your journey. You’d feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with Me.

I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My Living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available.

But this is January 11, 2011’s Devotional. The devotional that Joanne read yesterday morning, the morning of her stroke, if she stuck with her usual reading plan:

TRUST ME by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I am God. This is My world: I made it and I control it. Yours is a responsive part in the litany of Love. I search among My children for receptivity to Me. Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart. Nurture it with the Light of My Presence.

When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me. Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart. Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank Me for the answers that are on the way. If you keep on stating your concerns to Me, you will live in a state of tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My promises.

Dare to Believe.

2011-01-07T08:11:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning around 3:30 knowing I was supposed to pray for our Youth. We are in a transition phase with our Youth. We, those who work with, lead and love our Youth, are trying to find a balance for our Youth ministry. It ain't easy. A lot of prayer is needed and is happening. I prayed for them.

I then felt led to pray for MY Youth...Shawn, Sarah and Brett. Which led me to pray for My Man.

Having completed the prayers I felt led to pray, I closed my eyes to drift back off to sleep.

Except I couldn't sleep. Isaiah 44:22 popped into my head. My scripture memory verse. I repeated it silently over and over, trying to memorize it perfectly (didn't, but I have the general idea and words memorized at this point and am fine tuning the actual NIV version.)

And then this popped into my heart as loud as a clap of thunder:

DARE TO BELIEVE, Susan.

Dare to believe? I mulled it around in my heart and in my head until Russell's alarm went off at 5:30 and he got up and left for work. I tried to drift back off to sleep for a bit. But couldn't.

A gazillion thoughts/to do's were swirling around in my head and I sat down at the computer to start knocking some of them out on paper and plan my day.

I was getting ready to shower when He reminded me of the Word He had given me just a couple hours earlier:

DARE TO BELIEVE.

I tossed it out to my bff's on twitter and even posted it on facebook and hopped into the shower where I was flooded (no pun intended) with sentence after sentence of dares to believe:

Dare to Believe that I am all you need, Susan.
Dare to Believe that Sarah belongs to Me, that I have her, that she will marry the Godly, Christian man I have chosen for her.
Dare to Believe that Russell is all you need in a husband.
Dare to Believe that I created you to be all he needs in a wife.
Dare to Believe that you can lose weight, eat healthy, grow strong and fit again.
Dare to Believe that you can give up coffee with my help. (Wait...how did that one get in there!?)

And there are so many more things that I have placed into my heart to keep and ponder. And believe.

Dare to Believe, dear ones. Ask Him to place into your hearts the things that you long to believe, but have been afraid to.

I love you!

Learning to say no...so I can mean it when I say yes.

2011-01-03T16:44:00.000-05:00

I wouldn't exactly call myself "a people pleaser." In fact, probably just the opposite. Well, not really "a people displeaser" although now that I think of it that might be more the truth.

But I do have trouble saying no when someone asks me to do something. As evidenced by the number of times I have been Room Mom, Team Mom, Bible Study Teacher, Sunday School Teacher, Driver of Many Children to Many Events, Party Attender that Stands in the Corner, Hostess for Friend Selling *Insert Product Here,* etc. Let me just clarify and state for the record: there is nothing wrong with doing any of these things and I am glad that I did them. Well, most of them.

I also had trouble saying no as a teenager and let me tell you what...that led to Nothing Good. But that's for another time.

I have really felt God leading me to focus on two words this year: redeemed and radical.

Let's start with redeemed. According to Websters, redeem can mean: to buy back; repurchase; to get or win back; to free from what distresses or harms: as to free from captivity by payment of ransom; to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental; to release from blame or debt; clear; to free from the consequences of sin; to change for the better; reform; repair, restore; to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby; to remove the obligation of by payment; to exchange for something of value; to make good; fulfill; to atone for; expiate <redeem an error>; to offset the bad effect of; to make worthwhile; retrieve.

Oh man, I could take each and every one of these definitions and apply them directly to my life and to me. But I'll save you THAT, and move on to the definition of radical according to Websters: of, relating to, or proceeding from a root; growing from the base of a stem, from a rootlike stem, or from a stem that does not rise above the ground; designed to remove the root of a disease or all diseased and potentially diseased tissue; of or relating to the origin; fundamental; very different from the usual or traditional; extreme; favoring extreme changes in existing views, habits, conditions, or institutions; associated with political views, practices, and policies of extreme change; advocating extreme measures to retain or restore a political state of affairs; slang: excellent, cool.

Again, seriously able to apply these to my life.

So how do these two words relate to the Title and therefore supposed Subject of this blog post? Here's how:

If I am really going to live as if I am redeemed by God (and I am according to my SSMT #1 Isaiah 44:22) then I have got to say no to the things I feel He does not want me to do, in order to say yes to living as one redeemed; changed for the better, atoned for, repurchased, and freed from captivity.

If I am really going to embrace some radical in 2011, I have got to start saying yes to only those things that will lead to radical living, extreme change, very different from the usual or traditional, and removed from the root.

So in 2011, I am currently saying yes to being the Online Chair for the Springfield-Burke Relay for Life; being on the Board of Directors for The Beth Bryan Foundation; leading a small group of 9th and 10th graders (all of whom I adore); and being a Team Parent along with My Man for Brett's Freshman Basketball Team. Of course I also said yes a long time ago to being Russell's wife and mom to Shawn, Sarah and Brett.

Now...to turn these yeses toward the radical and the redeemed...

As always...I love you guys and I'm so happy I said yes to each of you in my life.

SSMT*

2011-01-02T08:16:00.000-05:00

*Siesta Scripture Memory Team

Beth Moore has challened us to memorize some scripture and it is way past time for me to start doing it!

Scripture Memory #1 for me:

Isaiah 44:22: I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Isaiah 44:22 (NIV)

Menu Planning.

2010-12-31T08:27:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting to get serious about my menu planning for years now. 2011 is the year I'm just going to do it.

So here is my January 1-14 Menu with links, as applicable.

January 1: Breakfast for dinner. One of our favorite meals. Will probably be scrambled eggs, bacon and biscuits, fresh fruit salad.
January 2: Eat out after Church. Most likely our favorite place: Saratoga Pizza.
January 3: Pasta fagiola, salad and bread.
January 4: Pork roast and rice.
January 5: Left overs.
January 6: Bobby's Goulash, salad and bread.
January 7: Left over Goulash.
January 8: Down to in-laws to celebrate Christmas.
January 9: Chili Cook-off after Worship.
January 10: Panera after Wild Boy's basketball game.
January 11: Breakfast for dinner. Pancakes, eggs.
January 12: Dinner at church.
January 13: PW's pot roast, smashed taters.
January 14: Pizza.

2011 is coming. I am so not ready...procrastination.

2010-12-29T07:36:00.000-05:00

One of the changes I am looking to make in 2011 is to stop procrastinating! Procrastination really adds to my stress level. Getting organized is right up there on the list of changes, too. Getting my home organized, my home office, my work office better organized. I think that would all help with my tendency to procrastinate.

Christmas Eve Eve Day.

2010-12-23T08:45:00.000-05:00

Happy December 23~

I can NOT believe how time has flown! 2010 has been wicked. Wicked good. Wicked crazy. Wicked bad. Wicked blessed.

Already looking ahead to 2011. Wanting to make some changes...not resolutions. Resolutions = failure in my book.

One thing I have really tried to focus on and make a new habit/mind-set, is thankfulness. December has been all about being grateful.

Two Thousand Eleven is going to be interesting. I turn 50 this year. FIFTY! Half a century. (Is it just me or does "century" sound like a zillion years?)

In the year 2011, I will be married 28 years. (just had to stop and recount cuz that just seems like 4-ever!) Yes...28 years. Shawn, our oldest, will turn 21. Sarah, My Girl, turns 20. The Wild Boy, aka The Brettster, turns 15.

All of these numbers make me smile. (except that daggone FIFTY number.)

Actually, even the ginormous 5-0 is making me smile. Laugh, really. In a high-hysterical-unable-to-stop kind of way. Fifty. A milestone.

Fifty is going to be my aliyah.

I plan on blogging more during my 50th year on Earth. Some upcoming topics include:

:: 50 on turning 50
:: Scripture memorization with all my Siestas
:: More Him...less me
:: Photos...lots more photos (it is seriously time to really learn how to use this digital Nikon of ours and utilize our iMac and Photoshop
:: Recipes (probably mostly baking)
:: Decorating (as in...get my house together, finally)

So. I'm looking forward to 2011. I am so thankful and grateful for you to come along with me.

Love ya,

Slow Down...

2010-10-20T12:50:00.000-04:00

Slow Down or I will force you to slow down and you will not like it.

I am just unable to grasp this entire obedience thing.

He has been talking to me about this for a few weeks...slowing down and what that means and looks like.

I have totally ignored Him.

There is so much to do! I'm falling behind at work and at home! I need to go through things and get rid of things NOW because I just can't stand all this STUFF and I want to decorate and I want to redo some of our antique and vintage pieces and the Holidays are coming and...and...and...and...

And I know better. When I am stressed and anxious and over doing it and not taking care of myself I can count on several things happening:

:: My Man and I are no longer on the same wave length
:: My children irritate me
:: People in general irritate me
:: I stop communicating with Him
:: I begin to shut myself off from everyone
:: I eat horribly and don't exercise
:: I don't sleep
:: Finally, my body shuts down...every joint and muscle hurts and aches and I am so fatigued I can barely move

This week...I can pretty much put a check mark by all of those things and circle and underline the last one.

When am I going to learn?

An advantage to working in a church is that I can head into the Sanctuary, close the doors and seek Him out. And He always answers me.

A few moments ago, I did just that and He responded so wonderfully:

It's time to slow down, Susan. Turn the anxiety, the to do list, the fears, the anger, the bitterness...all of it, over to Me. Rely solely on Me. I am All you truly have. I am All you need. Then the healing will come.

Because I'm a brat, I always ask Him this: "Why, Lord? Why do allow me to be so disobedient and then when I come crawling back begging Your forgiveness...pleading for another chance...You give them to me. Why?"

In rapid succession all of these wonderful Scriptures began flooding my heart. Promises of who I am and Who He Is.

Already my heart is slowing...my mind no longer racing...my to do list fading. Peace. Warmth. Comfort. Love.

Thankfulness.

A Glimpse at my morning.

2010-10-16T09:33:00.000-04:00

Let's see. It is 9:13 and I am the only one up and have been for about an hour and a half.

I love that.

Tux greets me, whiskers to face, every morning when I first awaken and leads me down the stairs to the fridge where his morning treat is waiting. Animals are such creatures of habit. He will eat his treat, wait while I fill up his other bowl with regular dry food and will take about 3 bites of that before heading to the couch for an after meal snooz.

The dogs wait patiently (or not so, depending on the day) for their turn of being let out and then back in again. Even the puppy knows to come in and sit quietly by the treat jar. They both settle right back into their spots in the kitchen.

With coffee in hand, I head to the living room to check in with all my online peeps and then settle in with my Quiet Time.

Every morning I battle with the frustration of my house not being where I want it to be...not as clean as I would like, not "decorated" as I would like. My frustration is a powerful distraction to my Quiet Time. And I think that is on purpose. His Purpose, to be exact. While I would prefer no distractions, no pulling for my attention and heart, that is NOT the way of this world we live in. Why would it be different for my Time with Him?

I talked with Him about it this morning. One day, I will have the time and focus for a clean home, decorated the way I envision.

That will be a sad day, indeed.

The distractions and pulls that keep me from a spotless home with everything in its place, are the people and things I hold most dearly...my children, my husband, friends, places I want to be.

After thanking Him for that reminder, lol, I was able to once again turn my attention to Him.

Clearly, I have completed my Quiet Time this morning and felt led to write on my blog. The boys are still asleep. My Girl, who abruptly moved back home on Thursday, spent the night back at Daniel's last night because they were going to have a Sons of Anarchy marathon.

As you can imagine, I have lots to say on this new development. But for now, I am keeping my thoughts and my heart pretty close in and only talking with Him about it. And My Man, of course.

I want to thank you, my three faithful readers, for your prayers and calls and tweets and messages. I am thankful for each of you and thankful to Him that He has so blessed me.

Love you guys.

Control Freak

2010-09-17T08:07:00.000-04:00

Quiet time this week has been pulled from Sarah Young's, Jesus Calling. Today's devotion, September 17, is all about planning and the need to control. (Sarah references 1 Peter 5:6-7; Proverbs 16:9 and Psalm 37:5)

I am a huge sufferer of this illness.

I flip through my journal to document my freakish need to plan and control. Page after page, day after day, I am writing lists of wants, needs, to dos, planning, planning, controlling, controlling.

When I stop to read the actual pages, I find that rarely was I able to complete even two things on the list let alone have complete control over that list.

Why? Because I'm so wrapped up in the "need to control" that I forget to consult "the One who controls all."

Oh I pretend to consult Him..."this is what You want me to do, right, Lord?" as I'm dotting the i's and crossing the t's of my list.

My lists and plans and freaky control needs are so vast and huge that I will NEVER be able to complete them and satisfy them.

As I thought about this during my quiet time today, I realized that there is a direct link between the number and length of my lists and plans and the time I spend praying, consulting, listening to God. The former is much longer and greater when the latter is few and far between.

This morning, I am changing that. Fran, thank you for the head's up on the need to change my priorities.

Love you guys!

Again

2010-09-14T08:05:00.000-04:00

I walk alone.
With only my sadness; my grief; the dark.
Doing it my way.
As I run ahead, I turn back to see You in the distance.
Waiting.
Patient.
Indulgent.
Eternal.
You watch as I stretch the distance.
You wait as I dare to do more.
You mourn as I turn back less.
The inevitable.
I stumble. I dive headlong.
Thinking it will be good.
Convinced it will better.
And it is.
For a time.
In the morning, my eyes are opened.
I see the darkness.
I see the pit.
Alone.
Again.
I panic.
Uncertain how I got here.
Why did You let me?
Why did You leave me?
I cry out!
Your voice touches me as the words leave my heart.
I reach up.
Your grasp is firm.
Your strength beyond comfort.
You lift me from the pit.
Again.
The darkness no more.
The pit erased.
My feet land on Your firm foundation.
The ground is hard; warm, as I fall to my knees.
Your light blinding as You pull me into Your embrace.
Sweeter than honey.
Sweeter than life.
You walk ahead.
Your light guides me.
I follow closely.
My hand always brushing the very edge of your robe.
Ready to cling tightly.
I begin to live.
Again.

Lovely Deliciousness...Pumpkin Banana Bread

2010-09-12T17:05:00.000-04:00

Pumpkin Banana Bread

Preheat oven to 350
Grease and flour loaf pan (I use Crisco and then use white sugar instead of flour...Oh. My. Word.)

1 1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter, softened
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup mashed bananas (about 2 large)
3/4 cup canned pumpkin
1 tsp vanilla
1 3/4 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup chopped walnuts or pecans

In large bowl cream sugar and butter. Beat in eggs, bananas, pumpkins and vanilla. Mix well. In medium bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and nuts. Add to pumpkin mixture and blend well. Spoon batter into greased and floured loaf pan. Bake at 350, 45-55 minutes. Cool 10 minutes. Remove and cool on wire rack.

I always double this recipe and use a full can of pureed pumpkin.

Delicious when eaten warm with butter and/or softened cream cheese.

You're welcome.

Conviction

2010-09-06T08:44:00.000-04:00

There was a time when I would run from conviction. Run and ignore.

Over the last few years, however, I have learned to embrace conviction. In fact, I find that conviction equals freedom: I no longer need to do it myself. He sees, He is there to help me.

Yesterday, during Worship, was just such a conviction.

It wasn't so much the sermon message, which was really about how we, as a church...OUR church...is doing it wrong. And how we need to do it better.

But while listening and meditating on PW's message, I felt the familiar (but much avoided lately) tug on my heart.

Susan, you are doing it wrong. And I'm going to show you and help you to do it better.

There were a few specific "it" things He wanted me to focus on.

1. My Girl. Yes, He is in control. Yes, He is controlling her spin out of control. Yes, I need to do my part: continue to be an example to her; continue to reach out to her; continue to contact her daily, even if I receive no response; continue to love her unconditionally. Hard stuff when one is hurting, grieving, fuming. Only doable through Him and by Him.

2. My Health. I keep talking about it. I keep looking for quick fixes. None of which are or will work. And then one day last week, He brought through the front doors of our church (and my workplace) a woman who had been diagnosed in July with ALS. A woman who was deteriorating quickly. A woman who knows and loves Jesus, but has been distanced from church and, presumably, from Him. He reminded me that I had and took for granted what she was losing and longed for. A whole and healthy (relatively) body. He had me dwell on this for awhile...through my day yesterday as I sat with and broke bread with friends after Worship; as I hustled around my kitchen all day trying to get a ton of brownies whipped up and baked in between continuous power outages; as I set up and worked through a two hour event honoring the memory of a dear friend who is secure in the arms of Jesus after losing her battle with cancer at the age of 48.

3. My Attitude and Heart. It is not by my design nor by accident that I am working in our church. There are so many people in my past who would find that the most outrageously unbelievable thing ever. And yet here I am. Still working and serving in our church after 10 years. Sure, I've changed over the last 10 years, but not enough. Having been the most self-centered and selfish girl on the planet for so many years...it is a struggle and often a stretch to have a servant's heart and attitude. Yet that is why He placed me here. Not so much for them...my church family...but for me. It is time I remember that and embrace it.

Conviction. Freedom. Synonyms in my book these days. How about yours?

My Girl

2010-07-20T08:50:00.000-04:00

I sit looking out the sliding glass doors from our living room to the deck and the woods beyond. The rising sun is streaming through the tops of the trees and it is so peaceful. I can almost imagine that everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

It is not.

A part of me is missing.

And try as I might...I cannot get past it.

I pray daily, often repeatedly throughout the day, for the peace that passes all understanding. It does not come.

Maybe it is not supposed to come. Maybe I am not supposed to feel peaceful about missing her. Maybe then I would become complacent.

Oh, I know that she belongs to Him. I know that He not only has a plan...His plan is happening as I type this.

I cannot help the "what ifs?" "What if we had done this instead of that?" "What if we totally shut her down and then she does this?"

"What if we lose her for good?"

Our Pastor has "lost" his daughter. She has shut them out of her life for over three years now. No contact. No calls. Just silence.

I do not know how he and his wife bear it.

I miss My Girl. Every minute of every day.

I am thankful, please do not get me wrong, that she is still on this Earth and that because of that there is Hope. We have friends who have lost their children through illness, suicide, accidents.

Some days, though, it is just hard to keep going. Hard pretending that all is right in our world. Impossible to stop the ache in my chest and the tears that flow unchecked. Unstoppable.

I think I will be spending some extra time in my grandmother's chair this morning, by the doors leading to the deck. Pretending that everything is as it should be.

Wow. It's been forever since I blogged.

2010-07-13T18:00:00.000-04:00

Strap yourselves in. This is going to get bumpy.

While on vacation last week, God and I had quite the "come to Jesus moment."

Several of them actually.

In all honesty, He is really quite done with my whole little tantrum-throwing-it's-never-about-me junk.

I run with God.

I am a wife.

I am a mom.

I serve in our church for my paying job.

It IS never about me.

For the past 40 yearsI have been trying to make it about me. Now that I am on the down slope towards 45 50, enough is enough.

I have always fought who I really am.

Who He created me to be.

I sat down at the baby grand piano in our sanctuary today to play and stumbled and bumbled through what was just recently a familiar and very playable piece for me.

I approached an art project without a clue as to how to begin.

I have framed art stacked up against my fireplace because I just cannot put together in my mind where/how I want each piece to go.

He created me with an incredible ear and talent for all things music.
I have always been too afraid to pursue it to the level I know He had called me to take it. Too fearful of messing up. Too aware of what other people might say.

He created me with an ability to draw and paint.
I look at the art I created as a teen and am floored. I cannot draw or paint like that anymore.

He created me with a love for reading, writing and all things words.
I shut that part of myself down long, long ago.

He created me with the gift of discernment. A strong "spidey-sense" as my bff's call it.
I keep my mouth shut when it kicks in because I fear my thoughts and ideas being rejected and scoffed at.

I am totally and utterly not bragging on myself.
I am totally and completely bragging on Him.

I cannot tell you the number of times over the last few months He has pushed people and situations into my path where I should be utilizing one or more of these gifts He blessed me with.

It is a sin for me not to not allow Him to use me and these gifts.

I have come to terms with that. Begged for forgiveness. Now I wait and see what happens next.

I cannot lie...I am scared.

I Love Being Mom.

2010-05-20T10:40:00.003-04:00

My Man and I, when we have had a moment or two to talk without a gaggle of kids around, have always laughed about the one thing we have truly done "right." We made some pretty dern good-looking kids. The reason we laugh about this is because, obviously, the only hand in this we had was the actual getting married and procreating part. The fact that our children look the way they look is completely His part. Sure, the oldest kid looks like my dad but with My Man's coloring. The girl has my eyes. The little boy (ha...he's 6'2" right now) has the Man's coloring but actually looks more like me. Again...little snippets of "us" pulled together by Him. I'm laughing about it right now...with so much joy it makes my heart hurt.

What is most surprising to me is that growing up I had decided I wasn't going to have children. Russell knew I felt this way, but I guess he felt he could convince me otherwise. Or, now that I think of it, maybe he felt the same way at the time. Hunh. I'm going to have to investigate that further. The reasoning is there. But that's HIS story. Not mine.

My reasons for announcing I would never have children are many. From the title of my blog, you might get a hint or two...I didn't like who I was. And until December 11, 1986, I really didn't KNOW who I was.

It took being married for three years; three very unhappy and volatile years, for me to come to a place where I could begin to figure out who I was. December 11, 1986...the day I got down on my knees in a Pastor's office and received Christ as my Lord and my Savior.

I was separated from my spouse by this time. Totally NOT believing there was a God and certainly not seeking Him.

Perfectly ripe for His picking.

How I ended up in Paul Carter's office for counseling is something I haven't figured out yet. But end up there I did. Paul later told me that even he doubted he could help me; I was so hardened.

How I came to be where I am today, married for 27 years (same guy I was separated from in 1986, by the way) with three incredible children, working and serving in our church, well, that IS a story I know He wants me to start sharing.

For now, though, I have to tell you that I really do love being Mom to Shawn, Sarah and Brett. And being called "Mom" by a host of other kids who have wormed their way into my heart.

I can't begin to imagine how empty my life would be without them. Or Him.

Be a blessing to someone today...

It's always something...

2010-05-05T13:39:00.004-04:00

You would think I would know this by now.

But I don't.

I am still floored when my life goes straight from one "thing" to another.

For instance, with My Girl. Two steps forward, one step back is the norm. I am still taken aback when the "one step back" occurs.

Just as I help my sister out with her "thing" de jour, I get slapped with a new "thing."

In the middle of a heavy load of wash, the washing machine quit working properly. Read: stopped spinning correctly, leaving me with sopping wet clothes that had clearly been exposed to whatever motor lubricant is used to keep this, um, lubricated and working properly.

After dealing with that, I headed to the computer and...it was frozen solid in place. Getting it to reboot took every ounce of prayer and pounding on the keyboard I could muster. I've uninstalled a whole lotta nothing that the kids have installed and I am still getting the blue screen of death.

Coming into the office I get a text from My Girl that her birthday bbq is OFF. Then another it's on. Then another it's really OFF. Then on.

And finally, I see a facebook post (true story...facebook IS my source of intel for most things) that our lawn mower has died making it impossible for oldestchildhomefromcollege to mow our yard. Has he never heard of lawn shears and weed eaters?

So here's the deal. Am I going to let the "always something" derail my walk? Or am I going to continue on, looking up, expecting the mountain to be moved?

I'm choosing the latter, of course.

Now, about the washer, lawn mower and computer, God...

Love you guys.

The Blame Game and That's Not My Job

2010-04-05T08:43:00.005-04:00

If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is someone blaming everyone/everything else and not taking responsibility for their own actions (The Blame Game) and his ugly cousin, That's Not My Job.

I suppose I expect more from people working in ministry. You blew it. Own up to it! If it falls under your ministry and it's not getting done, then just do it!

I wish I were talking about "others." I'm actually talking about myself.

There's no need to go into all of the gory details. Let's just put it into simple bullet form:

:: My actions and in-actions resulted in a direct slap down from my spouse. I have chosen to pout about it these past few weeks.
:: God specifically pointed out to me that I need to own up and take responsibility.
:: God specifically pointed out to me that I have been pouty and ugly about it ever since.
:: I had to make some hard choices that would impact my family either way. I (finally) turned to Him and asked Him what He needed me to do and say.
:: He's had to work on my heart in a big way.
:: My new motto, thanks to His Grace: Do not expect anything...so anything is a bonus.

Oh, and those others in ministry that blame and point fingers and slough off their jobs and responsibilities? I refuse to be one of them any longer, whether I am at church or at home.

Christ is Risen from the dead. I am counting on Him to raise me from "the dead," as well.

Scenes from last summer...

2010-03-31T20:28:00.003-04:00

Ok. We're going to take our annual photo on the rock at the miniature golf course.

On your mark...

Get set...

Go!

Seriously, why does it have to be so painful to get from A to C?

Holy Week Wednesday List

2010-03-31T06:27:00.002-04:00

Presenting...a list:

:: Watch sunrise (currently in process).
:: Quiet time, incorporating scripture Joanne shared with me yesterday, James 4:7-10.
:: Wash up non-dishwasher dishes from dinner last night. I love using my vintage dishware and glasses. Totally worth the hand-washing required.
:: Continue working on laundry. Cleaning out My Girl's room has loaded up the laundry room x10.
:: Check out the ant situation throughout the house. *don't ask*
:: Take Jack for a walk. *extra workout since we are teaching Jack how to correctly walk on leash*
:: Start cleaning out Brett's room.
:: Surface dust living room and master bedroom.
:: Update checkbook.
:: Start filling out adoption paperwork to adopt Jack Bodacious.
:: Nail My Man down on when he is going to pick up the doors and paint from Home Depot so we can start redoing our bedroom.
:: Update Master To Do List.

I think that about covers it.

Later, dudes.

My Girl

2010-03-27T13:57:00.002-04:00

I have been cleaning out Sarah's room a bit.

She's hardly here anymore and rarely stays the night in her room so I'm going to begin taking it over and packing up some of her stuff.

It's only a matter of time, I feel, before she moves out completely.

Today I found this poem tucked away behind her jewelry box.

My Girl

My girl is the love of my life.
She has eyes of green that defy description.
My girl is strong and proud.
She lives her life with purpose and mission.
My girl is kind and compassionate.
She invokes love and dedication in all that know her.
My girl is bold in her faith and walk.
She carries herself with confidence and courage.
My girl doesn't give up nor give in.
She encourages others to be just like her.
My girl is so much like her father.
She will be wise in her choice of a mate.
My girl will carry on our traditions.
She will not live her life by fate.
My girl is the love of my life.

I wrote that for Sarah for her 15th birthday. In less than two months, she will turn 19.

Fifteen seems so very far away now.

A Weekend with The Old People, Part 1

2010-03-13T08:31:00.006-05:00

My sister and I have, in our own advanced years, started referring to our parents as, The Old People.

We mean no disrespect.

At 70 and 72, they are old. Or at least, they act old.

They show all the signs.

disucssing all of their ailments, over and over again
drive 40 in a 50mph zone
bicker back and forth over the little things
mumble
don't like noise and animal fur
keep the tv tuned to FoxNews 24/7
only use one of the showers in the house so the other doesn't have to be cleaned
eat dinner before 5pm
have become almost fragile

It's the last one there that hit me last weekend when I was in Roanoke visiting them.

Mom had a couple of "biggie" doctor visits so I decided to tag along with them.

Knowing, of course, that it has Been a Year for me, apparently they decided having me all to themselves for the weekend was the perfect time to spoil me. And I did feel spoiled. Every day revolved around what I did or did not want to do. They catered to my every need. And better yet...didn't ask any questions or poke and prod to get information.

That, in and of itself, was a miracle. Or another sure sign they are getting old.

When I wanted to talk about stuff...they wanted to hear about it. They offered insight, but didn't lecture. They expressed concern, but didn't berate me about taking better care of myself, losing the pounds I have packed on the last year or so, etc.

The fact that my little sister and her family live two blocks away was a super added bonus. The Old People pushed me to spend time alone with my sister, too. That's definitely never happened before. Mom usually wanted to come along, not to be excluded.

Looking back on it now, who were those people I spent four days with last week?

I am definitely going back soon. It was exactly what I needed.

I'm Such a Know-it-all.

2010-02-25T08:36:00.006-05:00

I continually make the mistake of thinking I already know what a verse says when I read it's location.

Take James 1:1-12, for example.

Hardships will happen, blah blah blah.

Have read it a zillion times. *slight exaggeration*

It popped up as my scripture to read this morning from A Guide to Prayer for All God's People.

Greetings from James
1 This letter is from James, a slave of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ.
I am writing to the “twelve tribes”—Jewish believers scattered abroad.

Greetings!

Faith and Endurance
2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.
9 Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them. 10 And those who are rich should boast that God has humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field. 11 The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements.
12 God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

The version I read this morning is the New Living Translation.

Because I read it in the NLT, most likely for the first time, I believe that is why it spoke to me so. That and the fact that God is always trying to get my attention; pull me back in; hit me with a wake-up call.

Basically, I can sum up James 1:1-12 (NLT) in two words:

divided loyalty

Divided loyalty. Where does my loyalty lie? With God or with the world. And what is "the world" by my own definition?

Bottom line?

My loyalty truly is divided. I say one thing; do another. I say I love God and yet I am embracing the world I live in.

Particularly painful to me this morning was the recollection that just yesterday I had said to My Girl, "God calls us to be different from the world. When someone speaks to you or treats you unkindly, you are called not to respond in kind. You are to respond with a gentle word, no matter if it impacts them at that moment or ever." *or something like that*

God calls us to be different from the world. Time I took my own advice.

Buckets of Hope for Haiti

2010-02-22T12:07:00.007-05:00

Y'all...please help out with this! I don't care if you are Baptist or not (and neither does He!).

Love you guys.

Ash Wednesday Thoughts from my Pastor

2010-02-17T13:33:00.002-05:00

Psalm 51
1Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love;

according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
3For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.

Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent.
Lent is forty days of fasting, prayer, confession, repentance and reconciliation before Easter.

Ash Wednesday is prelude to the cross
When we consider the sacrifice of Christ and resolve to live sacrificially
When we ponder the service of Christ and commit to serve Him and others

The sign of the cross on your forehead
Reminds you and shows others that you are a person of the cross
The submission of the cross, the passion of the cross, the compassion of the cross, the mercy of the cross
Like baptism, the sign of the cross is an outer evidence of an inner transaction

Take Up Your Cross
On Ash Wednesday, these words of Jesus grip us
On Ash Wednesday, we illustrate what we are to do daily
Live according to the heart and mind of Christ
Surrender everything that keeps us from it
And receive everything that empowers us for it

What was I thinking...

2010-02-12T10:06:00.004-05:00

I have been stuck in my house for 6 ~~weeks~~ days and desperately needed ~~Mexican Food~~ to get out.

So I made a plan. My Man, knowing I have been desperately wanting Mexican food still continued to insist I "just plan something and cook it." So I set him up for dinner out. I made chili from scratch. I made apple pie from scratch.

Sure enough, in the door he came as I popped the pie in the oven and announced, "Flo wants Mexican Food so we're going tonight."

Flo is our 70 year old neighbor. Apparently, what Flo wants matters more than what The Man's wife wants, but I'm okay with that because HELLO....Mexican Food...

So I called bff Lori and told her to meet us there with her boys at 5:00 (while we are old...we go that early because 1) we're not the only ones who have been snowed in for six weeks and 2) we are old.)

Following an amazingly lovely dinner that included chips, salsa, fajitas and a margarita or two, we all piled into the Walgreen's four doors down. Because that is what we always do following a meal at Austin Grill.

We didn't "need" anything. We just love the Walgreen's. It's new. Relatively speaking.

My new fave color is pink. Real pink. I've been on the lookout for some pink nail polish. Light pink. Real serious pink.

I'm a purple and carnation girl myself, but I've been branching out and jumping on board with the entire pink craze.

I found the perfect shade: wet n' wild's Wild Shine Tickled Pink. Apparently it is a brand new color. It's not even on their website yet.

This morning when I got to work, I pulled Tickled Pink out of my purse and put a coat on. And then another. And then one more thinking that would actually help.

I hate it.

Now I'm stuck at work with ugly nail polish on that is clumpy and streaky partly because I grew more and more frustrated and just lathered it on and partly because the finish is, well, clumpy and streaky.

What was I thinking doing this at the office...

Maybe just one more coat will help...

The Darkness.

2010-02-10T19:03:00.011-05:00

In February 2009, I was happily going along taking life for granted. I was loving this Bible Study with an amazing group of women. Looking at this picture...brings so many conflicting thoughts. Three of these women are no longer here. One has moved to another church; one has moved to another continent thanks to the US Navy; one has moved into the presence of Jesus.

One month after this photo, my life was changed forever. Beth was diagnosed with a brain tumor. A melanoma recurrence. Six weeks later, Beth was gone.

I still can not believe it.

Life has continued.

Teens have graduated from high school. Friends have married. Children have been born. Elderly relatives have passed away. Jobs have been lost and gained.

I try not to sit and dwell on it. I try not to notice the pain in the eyes of Betth's mother every time I see her. I try not grab Beth's youngest son into my arms and hold onto him and cry each time he comes into our house. Which is every day since he is my youngest son's best friend.

There are days that I am successful. There are weeks on end that I sit in the darkness and let it surround me; envelop me.

Lately, for months really, I have been embracing the darkness. Some days it is easier. Easier to turn inward and ignore the outside. Easier to climb into my bed and sleep. Easier to sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen for hours on end. Not knowing where or how to begin. Easier to let the laundry pile up, the dust bunnies multiply and get lost in NCIS. Or the Weather Channel.

This week, while snowed in with the Blizzard of 2010, I tried to welcome the darkness. I was just beginning to succeed when I was Interrupted.

Every place I looked, I saw reference to the darkness, especially every time I opened my bible or devotional or bible study materials.

This morning it finally hit me: He was reminding me that He is not about darkness. In fact He specifically reminded me by leading me to this verse

You are my lamp, O LORD;
the LORD turns my darkness into light

I haven't been able to find my way out of the dark. I'm not supposed to. I need to let Him be my Lamp. When I turn to Him, reach out to Him, He will turn my darkness into Light.

I was really getting tired of the darkness, I have to admit.

Thank you for your patience as I've struggled to find my way Back.

Love you guys.

A random list of randomness. Numbered.

2010-02-09T09:16:00.003-05:00

1. Snow is my new four letter curse word.
2. S**w is dead to me.
3. A sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies goes down very easily. And very quickly.
4. In the Smith household, bacon is it's own food group.
5. White is my new least favorite color.
6. It is so easy for me to spot the pride in all of those around me. In myself? Not so much.
7. It's official. I am NOT giving up coffee.
8. I missed having two dogs in the house. But not all of the fur.
9. I would really like to be pregnant again.
10. Must be cuz I'm on the downslide to 50.
11. Just re-read #10 and had heart palpitations.
12. Just re-read #9 and didn't.
13. Totally floored by the awesome interwebbiness friends God has brought into my life who, in a mere two months, will be IN REAL LIFE FRIENDS that I get to hug and smooch on.
14. Secretly, I am enjoying the big Blizzard(s) of '09 and '10.

Love you guys.

An Update on My Girl.

2010-02-05T12:59:00.007-05:00

Actually, it is a Susan Update, truth be told.

Haven't decided how I am going to get this to you yet. Email? Facebook? My blog?

I'm actually feeling led to put it on my blog for the following reason(s): The name of my blog is Not That Girl...This Girl. You see, I used to be that girl...selfish, angry, spoiled...

Finding Him meant I had to become this girl...full of sin yet saved by Grace.

So, having felt led to begin a blog and to name it thus, shouldn't I also be using it as a way to show people that I really am This Girl and no longer that girl, and show Who is responsible for that transformation? (At first I typed, "transportation" and after changing it realized He really did transport me, too...)

No matter how I share this update with you, I need to get started...

I think y'all pretty much know that Sarah, our 18 year old daughter, is living in a period of major rebellion. Repeatedly, I lose sight of the fact that it isn't really Russell and I and her brothers and family that she is rebelling against...it is God. I never knew that while I was rebelling at her age...it was flat out rebellion against my parents, my family and the "establishment." As if I knew who/what the "establishment" was!

So yes, my daughter is following right in the footsteps of her mother, except that Sarah knows and loves Jesus. I grew up in the church but didn't know Him, and at one point, during my time as that girl, denied He even existed and if by some marginal chance He did exist, I denounced Him as unneeded and unnecessary in my life.

Thankfully, Sarah has not done that in word although by action I often presume she has. The only reason I haven't totally gone over the edge is because I know for certain that she belongs to Him and is sealed by Him (thank You, Jesus; Praise You, Jesus).

Really, it has been ugly here at the Smith household. I have been consumed with grief over the loss of our daughter. And she is lost right now. I know that the real Sarah is in there, covered by darkness, probably embracing the darkness. I know I did. Embraced it. Relished it. Savored it. Owned it. That is why my grief is so strong...so consuming: I know what she is thinking because I thought it too.

And I have been oh. so. angry. at. God. over all of this. I did this! I was this! I tried so hard to ensure she would not. She had no clue I was ever like that. So...how did it come to pass that she is now doing the same thing I did? Genetics? I truly believe in some part genetics does come into play. The Hart side of the family (my mom's side) has passed down from generation to generation the following sins that I had hoped I had broken...anger, anxiety, self-love.

Yes, I have been so very angry at God. To the point I have questioned my own faith, my own belief, my own salvation.

Patiently, He has remained with me. Speaking to me when I would listen, but only when I was open to hear.

It is not for me to know exactly why He has allowed this to happen to her. At least not for now. But in a way...don't I know some of the reasons why? Because without that time of rebellion, I would not be who I am today. I would not be This Girl. Not perfect, by any means. Still struggling, every single day. But forgiven. Loved. Cherished by Him.

She has forgotten that. She has forgotten that she is forgiven. Loved. Cherished by Him.

And she has felt forgotten and unloved by her own mother.

In my grief and my anger I sinned mightily. Not intentionally. I thought that if I showed her and told her how much I loved her that it would make her think that her behavior was acceptable. That she could "get away with it."

I forgot to look at the nature and character of the One True God. He is love. He IS love. Love is Who He Is.

Thankfully, he reminded me of that, in the darkest hour of my despair when I cried out to Him, literally, unable to get out of bed because I am so crippled by my grief, I told Him I just can't do this anymore. Can't live like this without my girl.

And He did. He said to me so very clearly, "You need to love her and she needs to know that You love her."

(IMPOSSIBLE! She'll think she's getting away with this behavior and that it is acceptable! You are WRONG about this. I can't do this.)

"You are pushing her further away from you and from Russell and you are pushing her away from Me."

stunned silence

I have spent the last 18 years showing my daughter that You are the Way, the Truth and the Light and now You are telling me that I am pushing her away from You?

I had to process that for a long, long time. Still sobbing about it as I type this, even though I've begged for and received forgiveness. I mean...how do I make this up to Him?

By being obedient.

How do I know this? Because He put this right in front of my face in the midst of this struggle, in the midst of Sarah actually being in the house while I'm struggling with this, forcing me to make a decision right then and there on whether or not I would obey. Joanne made the choice to obey.

And I did, too. And I continue to. And I will continue to do so.

And I continue to covet your prayers. Without them, I am positive I would not have been open to any of this. But even more so, I now know that your prayers will open my daughter's hardened heart to hear Him wooing her...

And I can't WAIT to see it all come to pass.

Coffee. Ruth. Grocery Store. Office. Sick.

2010-02-04T07:06:00.003-05:00

That's my agenda for the day. The sick is all throughout my day.

Sick. Again. What is with this year? I take my vitamins every day. For the first time ever. And I'm more sick this year than ever. Thinking I'm going back to no vitamins. Or, another way to look at it, I would REALLY be sick if I hadn't been taking my vitamins every day?

Callin' for more snow tomorrow. Another "big one". It's official...I'm tired of snow. There, I said it and I'm stickin' to it.

I think I'll do some baking this weekend.

The grocery store will be a zoo. I'm going to hit that early this morning. Like around 8.

Milk, bread, baking supplies, fruit and dishwasher detergent is my list.

Randomness over and out.

Go check out Lisa's blog to win a copy of her new book~

2010-01-20T11:33:00.004-05:00

Today is really the first day of the New Year for me...

2010-01-11T07:02:00.004-05:00

For some reason, January 1 just didn't do it for me.

Shawn went back to Longwood yesterday. That makes the New Year seem more...here. We are back to a more normal state.

Typing "more normal state" and then reading it back made me laugh out loud.

I'm not really sure what "normal" is anymore. I'm not really sure I believe "normal" exists anymore.

I have realized as I'm getting older that I am resistant to change.

I resisted the new normal of Shawn being away at college. Now I'm resisting his returns for extended periods of time. It just throws me off, as much as I adore that kid.

I am completely resisting the new normal of life with a rebellious, angry, self-centered 18 year old daughter. After the exchange of a few words last night before she went out, I awoke to see she never came home last night. This is the new normal. And I hate it.

I can honestly say I'm resisting the new normal of turning 49 at the end of this month and the 49 year old body that has tagged along with that new normal. That is one change I am trying to change, lol.

So, as I begin this "first day of the New Year," I have discovered that normal is all about continuous change. Even the normalness of my morning quiet time is ever changing. God's Word is alive. Every time I read a familiar verse, He says something different to me.

That is a change I want to embrace.

Look at my beautiful new blog...

2010-01-10T19:13:00.002-05:00

Thank you Melissa!

I still have some things that I am supposed to do, but Mel did all the colors and designs and pretty, pretty buttons and titles and stuff.

Sigh. I am in love with it.

Sorry, Miss Kate...but I'm sure if you ask her sweetly, she will whip you up something just as purty.

Not THAT Girl...THIS Girl

Today is my baby's birthday

How much proof before you believe?

What's your Sign?

Lots in the works.

What day is it, anyway?

What About Me?

Retreat Post #1.

My Choice.

Happy New Year!

The end of the year.

No Resolutions...??

The One in Which I have Nothing Witty to Say.

Happy Christmas!

Merry Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve Friday Photos.

New Year Revolution #3.

Just wanted y'all to know...

What is normal?

Random Thursday. 'Cept it's Friday.

Droid Photo Friday.

New Year Revolution #2.

New Year Revolution #1.

News of the *Smith* World.

Droid Photo Friday.

It's Thursday and it's random.

Stuff.

Stepping back to punt.

Green Monster.

If it's Saturday...

Friday Droid Photos.

Thursday Thankfuls.

Let the shopping begin.

A bit of Randomness.

So easily distracted.

Sunday. A day of rest?

If we're in Dumfries, it must be Saturday.

Christmas Card Rejects.

Droid Friday Photos.

Sunrise.

It is Wednesday. It is Random.

Thanksgiving meal...whatcha having?

Tuesday's Chronicles.

Monday Madness.

Happy Birthday to My Man!

I might be a redneck if...

Friday DROID Phone Photos.

Stepping out of my comfort zone.

Rain.

It's not Thursday...but it is random.

List.

Sabbath...

iPhone Photo Friday - on Saturday. Photos downloaded from my iPhone.

My Favorite Veteran...

Fall...

Wicked Wednesday Randomness

Speaking of cleaning...

Cleaning.

Forgiveness.

Cat in a Tree. Story at 11.

iPhone Friday...November 4, 2011

New Do.

Randomness

Nine Months...nope...nothing to do with babies.

—Greek Word Study (Transliteration-Pronunciation Etymology & Grammar)

—Thayer's (New Testament Greek-English Lexicon)

—Strong's (Greek Dictionary of the New Testament)

Giveaway at Wild Olive Tees!

Control

Day 14 for Becky Jo...definitely keeping in mind that I am a goofball.

For Becky Jo

Praying for Joanne: From Jesus Calling

Dare to Believe.

Learning to say no...so I can mean it when I say yes.

SSMT*

Menu Planning.

2011 is coming. I am so not ready...procrastination.

Christmas Eve Eve Day.

Slow Down...

A Glimpse at my morning.

News of the Smith World.